Happy Third Birthday, Sur-Fi!

My favorite former three year olds, enjoying their cake.

Today, a fund (nicknamed Sur-Fi) that I work on is turning three years old. We're not celebrating with a cake or anything--my team is not the celebratory type--but it's still a major milestone. I've been there since the beginning, when it was just a twinkle in someone's eye, as they say. When we were in the planning stages for the fund, we looked ahead to this date, as having a three year track record is an important marker in our industry. It seemed so far away. A three year old fund? Not possible, we were just in our infancy then.

But just as with a child, the days can be long, but the years pass quickly, and here we are. Now, we dare to imagine what it might look like at five and ten years old, how it might grow and evolve, the experiences it might have. We plan for it just like you might plan for a child. How will we face this obstacle? What if we need to change our path?

Yes, I know, it's not the same. It's money, after all. But it's a lot of individual people's money, and I take that responsibility as seriously as I do caring for my real life children. I know how lucky we are to have people put their trust in us.

So happy third birthday, Sur-Fi. I'm proud to play a part in your growth and success.

Working Motherhood: Podcast Edition

I had the fabulous opportunity to be part of Dr. Portia Jackson's daily podcast, Working Motherhood. It's probably the closest I'll get to being interviewed by Katie Couric or Oprah, and I have to admit, it was a lot of fun. I shared some of what my day to day life looks like, a challenge and a triumph, anda few resources I've enjoyed as a working mom.

I've never done a podcast before, and I probably over-prepared for the interview, but Portia still managed to squeeze in a few questions along the way that I hadn't anticipated. And then she titled my podcast as "Anticipating Needs," and I had a bit of a laugh over that.

You can read the show notes over at WorkingMotherhood.com, where you can also listen to the podcast, or download it for your commute over on iTunes or Stitcher.

And if you'd like to participate in the Working Motherhood podcast, reach out to me and I'll connect you, or you can nominate yourself too!

I hope you'll let me know if you listen!

Stress and Strategies: Spirituality

It's time for a slightly different take on my Stress and Strategies series: finding time for spirituality. While I'd like to think that my religious or spiritual beliefs help influence and guide me through my days and actions, I probably don't give it as much time or thought as I'd like to when I'm running to the train or folding the laundry. Actually, my rabbi once gave a great sermon about how we should astound in and feel grateful for our ability to fold the laundry, and so that does cross my mind sometimes, but I think you get my point.

We celebrate Shabbat pretty much every Friday night, lighting candles, blessing the children and eating challah. We go to services fairly regularly, and I find I revel a bit in the singularity of the task of just sitting or standing and singing the prayers when I'm there. I try to focus on just being in that moment, which is something I struggle with doing, and sometimes I have more success than others. But I find it's rewarding to put the time and effort into it.

What about you? With all that we have going on, do you make time for a spiritual component to life, however you define it? Share you stress and strategies in the comments.

Stress and Strategies: What's For Dinner?

To put it simply, I am not the cook in my family. It's not that I can't cook, exactly, but that Marc is better at it than I am, and over time, it's become the division of responsibility in our home that he's responsible for food. Not just cooking dinner, but the grocery shopping as well. I pitch in on occasion, both with the cooking and the shopping, but I don't enjoy it. If I've cooked the dinner, particularly if it involved raw meat, I'm usually too grossed out by the whole thing to actually want to eat it. When I do the shopping, I inevitably can't find something in the store, or buy the wrong version that isn't acceptable given the allergies or Kosher issues in our home.

But knowing all of this doesn't stop my kids from asking me "what's for dinner?" every night immediately upon pick up from after school. One strategy that has helped was something I picked up from Having It All Project participant Heidi Rybak: five week dinner plans, with five meal choices each week (eating out twice, or filling in with leftovers or something else). Heidi is even more organized than we are, as she has her list of needed groceries all predetermined too. But we've been trying to make the decisions further in advance, and the kids have been fairly helpful in making those decisions. It definitely cuts down on the middle-of-the-week decision fatigue, and we've gotten better about eating more of what we buy because it's on the plan, after all. We also end up eating more of a variety, trying not to repeat meals too close together. It's not perfect - meetings come up, we don't always hit the grocery store on schedule, but it's a good effort towards making this daily chore a little easier.

What about you? How is dinner handled in your home? Share you stress and strategies in the comments!

Stress and Strategies: Sleep

I recently admitted here that I'm not the greatest sleeper. The thing is, I love to sleep. I'm just not very good at it.

A complete eight hours is a rarity for me, and I'm probably the poster child for doing all the wrong things. I get too hot, too cold, too stiff. My blood sugar isn't perfect, so I end up going to the bathroom (too high) or needing a snack (too low). I can't fall back asleep, so I look at my phone. And check my work email, which tends to roll in at all hours due to my international client base. And then I start thinking about work. Or figure out how little time I have left to sleep, and get anxious about how tired I'll be if I don't get back to sleep soon. I know these are all bad habits, and a cycle I need to break.

I'm usually up by 5:45 am to get ready for work. I try to be in bed by 10 most nights. I've never been good at taking naps either, but sometimes the stars align on a weekend and I'll catch a little rest then. But I should get more sleep than I actually do.

What about you? How do you get enough sleep? Share your stress and strategies in the comments!

Let It Go

"Frozen" fatigue is all over the internet, but I promise, this post is about more than a song that has captured little (and big) hearts everywhere.

You see, way back in the fall, before we had this winter's earworm firmly lodged in our brains, I was telling people that I was going to let some things go. Because if I was going to produce Listen To Your Mother Boston, some things were going to be left undone. The next few months were going to be an exercise in letting things go. Like the crumbs on the floor.

At the beginning of the year, I thought I was doing well. January came and went, filled with snow days, and that helped me keep a good handle on getting things done. February brought its own challenging weeks, and four very full days of auditions, but I took a day off of work to spend time cleaning and sorting. I even wrote a blog post in my head (um, yea, there are a lot more blog posts in my head than on my blog) about how producing a show is a form of self-care, because I was so in love with the audition process and the highs of putting together our cast.

March, however, was a different story. Too much cold, too much snow, too many emails sent that never got responses. And, unfortunately, too much time spent cleaning and not letting things go. I just can't. I've still prioritized cleaning over other things. So what did I drop? Some sleep. A lot of TV. Blogging. I've made it back to the gym for three weeks in a row now, and I'm happy with that. But I haven't found a solution to the cleaning and the laundry. If I let them go, they don't actually go anywhere. I haven't been able to figure out if the tasks end up taking less time or longer once I've let them accumulate a bit, but they do feel more painful than my usual habits of staying on top of things.

So, it turns out I'm not very good at letting it go--not much of a surprise there. But would I change who I am?

Well, yea, I could use a little more tolerance for crumbs on the floor.

Instead of #BanBossy, Let's #BeBold

Unlike many bloggers, I don't get a lot of press releases. So I was pretty excited when last Monday, just before 9 am, I was included in the press release for Lean In's movement to ban the word bossy. The excitement quickly wore off though, as I just couldn't get riled up over the whole thing.

I get that Sheryl Sandberg was called bossy as a young girl, and she must have been affected by it on a deep level to still struggle with it all these years later and despite her mountains of success. I'm sure many others were called bossy growing up, but it wasn't until Sandberg brought it up that I've ever heard it as such an impactful word. Personally, I don't remember ever being called bossy, even when I made my younger brother play what I wanted for hours. So banning bossy didn't translate on a personal level, but I still felt it was something more that repelled me.

I've thought about it all week, and the conclusion I've come to is this: why focus on the negative? Why, if we're going to acknowledge the tremendous power that words have, should we just talk about the words you don't want us to say? Why not instead launch a huge, celebrity-filled campaign that actually encourages young girls to be leaders, instead of reminding them of what they're not supposed to be?

The videos the campaign has produced are very short, and the first half reminds us of all of the limitations that are out there, that girls can be socialized in ways that discourage them from raising their hand in class, from being confident in their abilities, to being stifled by labels. It's only in the second half of the videos that they say girls should be empowered to lead, and how many people actually bothered to get to that point in the message? I'm sure many more people heard that they should ban the word bossy and not much else.

If you're going to reduce life down to bite-size, hash-tagged nuggets, why not focus on the positive instead? How differently would the message be received if instead Beyoncé, Jennifer Garner and Jane Lynch encouraged our girls to be bold? To embrace challenge and uncertainty with the sense that they innately possess the skills to handle it? Because sometimes, being authoritative, aggressive and yes, even bossy, is what it takes to get things done. Someone has to be in charge, so why not tell girls to be bold, and let them see themselves in those positions of power? 

Beyoncé broke the album release model with a surprise, complete album and music videos. Jennifer Garner portrayed a kick-ass CIA agent in "Alias," and Jane Lynch brought (okay, not the best example here) fearing your gym teacher to a new level on "Glee." I'm sure they all signed on to this campaign because of its ultimate message of female empowerment. I just think it's a shame that the good it's meant to do is overshadowed by a distracting focus on one word.

Stress and Strategies: Sick and Early Release Days

After a bumpy week and a week of all abouts and over its, things have calmed down some. It's been a normal level of busy for the past week and a half, and I definitely prefer it. But it hasn't been complication-free, and I'm wondering how all of you handle these little scheduling challenges. Here's how things are going down for this three week stretch.

Last week, Max got sick. It wasn't a huge deal, but he did have a fever. I figured it would mean missing two days of school, and so Marc and I compared calendars. I had a big meeting the second day Max would be out of school, so I took the first day of working at home and Marc took the second.

This week, the kids had two early release days from school, meaning school ends for the day at 12:30 instead of 3 pm. Our school district does this every Tuesday (thus my work from home Tuesdays), and six additional days throughout the year. Marc had an early morning thing for work on Tuesday, so I got the kids to school and then went in to my office, and Marc came home in time to meet Hannah from the early release day. Marc picked up Max from aftercare (he goes five days a week) and then did the Hebrew school carpool run and got Hannah. I worked late and got home just a few minutes before they did. On Thursday, the second day of early release this week, I'll be going in to the office for two and a half hours, mainly because I have clients coming in from out of the country, and then I'll be the one to meet Hannah at home again.

Next week brings another change to the plans. The state-run exams, MCAS, are going on, and one is held on Tuesday. Since the test can take longer than the normal school day, which again usually ends at 12:30, the Tuesday school day is extended until 3, and there will be a 12:30 early release on Wednesday instead. Our aftercare behaves similarly and pretends that Tuesday is Wednesday and Wednesday is Tuesday. However, the rest of the world doesn't follow this little scheduling quirk, and so life outside of our school goes on as usual. This means Hannah needs to get to Hebrew school on Tuesday (and here I'm praying our dear friends will help us out with that, as they usually do), and on Wednesday she'll be coming home as 12:30 with no plan for the rest of the day. Fortunately, I can switch my schedule and work from home on Wednesday instead, and we are very grateful to our friends for helping out with that Tuesday one hour childcare gap.

Now I'm not telling you all this to bash the schools or the systems they have in place (though I may not think they are very family-friendly, I know there are more issues at work here than I can adequately address). And obviously, kids get sick and taking care of them is part of the deal of parenting. But I find all of this juggling and scheduling stressful, and I'm one of the luckiest ones out there, with a supportive spouse and a (generally) flexible work environment. I think we've found some good strategies for coping with these schedule adjustments, but it's something we always make up as we go.

What about you? How does your family handle the unexpected and the expected scheduling issues? Share your stress and strategies in the comments!

Bumps in the Road

Two weeks ago, on the way home from one round of Listen To Your Mother auditions, our car was rear-ended when our family was stopped at a traffic light. We were all okay, I was definitely the most shook up of the four of us, and the car didn't sustain too much damage. Marc took the car in to be repaired this past Monday morning, President's Day and the start of a week of school vacation for the kids.

We thought it was actually good timing, since the kids left on Tuesday morning to spend a few days in Arkansas with my in-laws, my sister-in-law and her family. With the kids gone, we thought we could get by without a rental car for most of that week, since I'd just have my normal commute by train. Marc and I also thought we'd be spending a lot of time together, since a break from the kids should mean one constant date night, right?

Wrong. Very, very wrong.

The week ended up being an exercise in why work-life balance isn't just for people with kids. What should have been a simplified life ended up even more complicated as we experienced many more bumps in the road than just the original car accident.

After dropping off the car Monday, Marc had gotten a rental car because I was at home with the kids that day, and we didn't want to be without a car since Max had been semi-sick over the weekend and we had put off some errands. On Tuesday, Marc and the kids left the house at 5:30 in the morning so they could make their flight leaving from Hartford. By the time Marc got back to Boston, another snowstorm was already beginning and we were both busy with work. With the roads in poor condition, our first date night opportunity morphed into crabby cabin fever couch potato-ing, since I had spent most of the past four days at home. We didn't end up returning the rental car until Wednesday morning, and since that was after the storm, we had to dig both cars out of the snow and drive them to the dealership. The commuter rail is closer to the car dealer, so I took that train to work instead and arrived about an hour late and $6 poorer after spontaneously buying a ticket on the train. Wednesday night I had a friend come pick me up and we went out to dinner, which had been previously arranged weeks before, but now Marc was getting anxious that we'd have no time together, as we needed to add a shiva call to the following day's already carefully orchestrated plans. Thursday morning saw Marc cramming in an inspection on our other car before attending our friend's father's funeral. I couldn't attend the funeral due to back-to-back morning meetings with clients, but I really did want to make the shiva call, so I figured out how to take a bus to the location, or so I thought, so I could get there earlier. Only the bus driver was ignorant of how the route worked and told me to get out far earlier than necessary, and I ended up walking a long distance on snow-covered sidewalks and not getting there as early as I'd anticipated. Meanwhile Marc was stressed out, arguing with the guy who rear-ended us about the cost of the car repairs, and his stress boiled over into an argument with me. Another date night was derailed, and though we eventually made it to a late movie, we were so frazzled and exhausted that we got up late on Friday morning and Marc ended up having to drive me to work.

Our only salvation? The kids' flight home on Friday was canceled, and they stayed in Arkansas an extra day. Marc and I finally got a decent dinner and time alone together on Friday night, after we picked up the repaired car in a major rain and lightning storm. By that point, having gotten through all of the craziness of the past few days, the time together felt extremely indulgent and wonderful.

It's now Sunday night. The kids are back home, both cars are appropriately repaired or inspected, and we're on track for a more normal week ahead. Hopefully a week with fewer bumps in the road.

50 Lessons Learned from The Having It All Project

Just over a year ago, I started The Having It All Project because the media narratives on the subject just weren't enough for me. Whether you believe you can have it all or that having it all is a myth, my thesis was that most people have enough of however they chose to define "all." When it comes down to it, we're living life on the best terms we can figure out for ourselves and our families.

I was confident that in doing these interviews, we'd have something we can learn from each other. At the same time, no one person can tell us how to live our lives for optimal satisfaction--we're all just living life the best way we knew how. I tried hard to find diverse points of view and present people from all walks of life. In the fifty interviews presented below, most are parents but a few are not (parents aren't the only ones trying to balance a lot!). The interviewees are married, single, divorced, widowed, gay and straight, biological parents and adoptive parents, parents of multiples and parents of only children, special needs parents and parents coping with their own issues, stay-at-home parents and working parents of both sexes, across the economic spectrum and from all over the U.S., Canada and England. They are list-makers and laissez faire. They thrive on routine and revel in spontaneity. They are living the life the imagined and the life they could never have possibly dreamed.

In chronological order, here are 50 lessons learned from The Having It All Project. Obviously, I'm teasing out just one great point below, so be sure to click through and read all the original interviews!

1. Allison embraced flexible childcare by using morning hours with her nanny and finding accommodating daycare.
2. James is on a senior non-partner track at his law firm so he can make it home for dinner most evenings, and loves his Google Calendar.
3. Liz says that to manage her work-life juggle, she's upfront with her employer about what she needs, be it telecommuting or adjusted hours.
4. Lynne relished her independence before adopting her daughter, but now she can't imagine life without her daughter's busy schedule of extracurricular activities.
5. Liz, primary breadwinner in her family, lives in a messy house but wrote a book on top of her full-time job, staying true to her priorities.
6. Alison works from home, avoiding a commute, and takes her preteen daughter out for breakfast on her own to make special time just for them.
7. Leslie and Adrian, parents of four, try to keep life simple, carpool, and sometimes, just complain out loud and then move on to get past the tough moments.
8. Carla looks to her friends for balance role models, and realizes that when you're sick, all the rules can go out the window.
9. Jessica often has to "fly solo" when her husband travels, so she's learned to slow down and take things one at a time when she's managing her kids and work on her own.
10. Eleanor embraces technology, like the reminders app and lists for groceries and errands, and isn't afraid to schedule date night when calendars get chaotic.
11. Carol followed the un-schooling model for her teenage stepchildren and, as a minister, carves out time to attend to her own spiritual needs.
12. Sharon's family uses a "reset button" for when the chaos level gets too high, and recognizes that having it all is pretty easy when you have the right perspective.
13. David tends to get involved in too many volunteer efforts, but is working to curb his "Fear of Missing Out" and scheduling more downtime to recharge with his cat.
14. Kimberly acknowledges she's been able to pursue success at work due to her children's great daycare experiences and her husband's hands-on parenting.
15. Al sings along with the car radio, enjoys a cathartic cry, and knows he's never more than 24 hours away from his next Dunkin' Donuts extra large coffee.
16. Danielle, mother of four girls and lawyer with a home-based practice, learned that she can't schedule appointments before 10 am if she wants mornings to go smoothly.
17. Naomi gets lots of help from her extended family so that she is able to work as a Creative Strategist and run a side business of balloon twisting.
18. Nanette's family relies on routines and rituals to curb the chaos, particularly observing Shabbat and sharing their "WOW of the Week."
19. Audrey, a stay-at-home mom, knows that it's okay to have a sitter come in sometimes so that she can have some "me" time too.
20. Kristopher had a rough first day back at work after being a stay-at-home dad to his twins for the first two years of their life, and was able to negotiate a flexible schedule.
21. Lyette never thought she'd get married and finds some of domestic life difficult, but she handled a rough stomach bug-traveling-snowstorm situation with grace.
22. Emma has learned to avoid caffeine, situations that are highly disorganized, and experiences where she can't tap into her own creative energy and spirit.
23. Faun, a work-life balance expert, says it's better to serve Cheerios for dinner and be able to focus on talking to her children than cook an elaborate meal and be too tired to listen.
24. Marc believes in "logistical bankruptcy," meaning that sometimes you have to stop planning, do what you can do, and let go of the rest.
25. Astrid cobbled together her career as a virtual assistant and a Zumba instructor, and prioritizes getting enough sleep!

 26. Monina, a single mom, has been handed more than her share of lemons in life, but now? She's living life exactly how she wants.
27. Gina shared some of the challenges of navigating open adoption after foster care, and uses her experience with sexual assault to educate others.
28. T.J., an Army pilot whose helicopter was on fire over Baghdad, Iraq, knows how not to sweat the small stuff and take life one bite at a time.
29. Allison works with parents of special needs or quirky kids, and reminds us not to be ten years or even ten steps ahead of ourselves, but to practice in the moment mindfulness.
30. Rachel's family made a big move in support of her husband's career, and shares a Disney World experience that proves it's not the happiest place on Earth for everyone.
31. Mrs. Mac, our anonymous attorney from across the pond, shows us that life as a working parent isn't all that different in other parts of the world.
32. Casey, half of a two-mom family, tries to keep things simple, and admits that though it's easy to lose balance just after you've found it, life totally rules.
33. Kristen builds in a few minutes of meditation into every hour, and tries to focus on building a fun and healthy life for her and her daughter.
34. Danielle came back from a difficult time in her life to realize that she's needed here, and now tries to make time for herself so that she can be a better mom and have the career she wants.
35. Sarah's boss said she wasn't paid enough to be that emotional and upset about work, so she's learned to sleep on it when she has to make a big decision or react to a challenge.
36. Elaine taught herself web design skills and built her business from scratch, and wants her children to see what it looks like for her to fail, to succeed, and to be in limbo.
37. Jeanette, a military kid who moved a lot, now tries to stick to a meticulous routine with her children, to give them the same sense of stability. (Oh, and she's dangerous.)
38. Rachel transitions from work mode to parent mode several times a day, but still makes time for her own "extracurricular" activities.
39. Michelle, a mom, college professor and part-time PhD student, plans and makes time for the freakouts that are bound to happen, and has a true partner in her husband.
40. Hollie uses music to help transform her mood, and survived an interstate move while her family coped with lice!
41. Heidi's family adheres to five week meal plans (my favorite tip of the whole series!) and admits that she loves working while under pressure.
42. Kristina struggled with postpartum mood disorders after her first of three daughters was born, but got treatment and went from surviving to thriving as a parent. Now she helps others do the same.
43. Meredith's daughter had a health scare that she got through by compartmentalizing and simply because she had to, and knows the only "right way" to do things is the way that works for you.
44. Vincent realized he was out of sync with his infant daughter and reduced his workload to accommodate both her needs and his own.
45. Jessica admits that her house can be a complete disaster, but she doesn't let it stress her out, and encourages her husband to take on more of the "invisible labor" in running a family.
46. Kate manages a chronic and progressive nerve disorder that can make everyday motions more of a challenge, but she works hard to take things one moment at a time.
47. Phyllis lives across the country from her extended family, so she's worked hard to create a community of friends that she can rely on like family.
48. Melanie took a year for an intense journey of self discovery to figure out a new career path now that her youngest child started kindergarten.
49. Diane realized her family tended to break down in the mornings, and that if TV during breakfast was the solution, she was going to embrace it!
50. Robin, whose family theme song is "Crazy Train," has learned it's important to be able to ask for help as well as accept that help in whatever form it comes in.

A HUGE thank you to all 51 Having It All Project participants. Thank you for opening up and sharing your lives with us all. Your words have inspired people more than you know, including me.

Relate to what the Having It All Project is saying? Leave it some love in the comments. Read other posts from The Having It All Project here. Want to participate? Send me an email at havingitallproject@gmail.com.

Faking It, and Somehow, Making It

Have you heard about the concept of "imposter syndrome?" According to Wikipedia, the term was first coined in 1978, but surely the authors of the original article knew that one year old me was going to be aspiring to success someday, and they created the concept to be all about how I feel on any given day. Here's the synopsis:

"The impostor syndrome, sometimes called impostor phenomenon or fraud syndrome, is a psychological phenomenon in which people are unable to internalize their accomplishments. Despite external evidence of their competence, those with the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be."

I've talked about feeling this way before, in a post where I wholeheartedly attribute my career success to luck and timing. That post was written less than a year ago, and while I still acknowledge that luck and timing helped a lot, I also realize I was cutting myself short. But that's honestly how I felt, and feel even now.

I'm trying to change that though. My friend Liz is hosting a panel coming up soon as part of the promotion for her book, and she asked me to be part of the panel. The event is for an Emerging Leaders Program at UMass Boston, and upon receiving the invitation, I paused. Aren't I still an emerging leader myself? What would I really have to say about anything at all? I'm only entering my...

GULP.

Fifteenth year in the workplace. And for the past ten of those years, I've also been a parent. And Liz must think I'm capable, because I think the world of her and so I can't be a total waste of time. Perhaps this is the tipping point. I still think I have a lot to learn, but maybe I have things to teach and share, too.

Meanwhile, there's Listen To Your Mother Boston eating up tidbits of my time each day, and it is so, so fun. I've never done anything like producing a show before, and yet, it doesn't feel all that scary. Of course, having the backbone of the national organization, two Facebook groups and two amazing teammates doesn't hurt at all, but I also feel like I'm making things up as I go and that's totally okay. Everyone I've dealt with so far has been kind and supportive of this new endeavor. I'm sure there will be discouraging moments along the way too, but I don't feel like they will make me doubt my capabilities. That's certainly something.

What about you? Do you ever feel like an imposter, or how have you gotten past it?

The Having It All Project: Robin Adwin

It's fitting that Robin, a mom I got to know while Max was in preschool, is the final (at least for now) participant of The Having It All Project. Back in March, she commented the following:

"I want to thank you for this blog and The Having It All project. It has been an inspiration. Reading the stories of other working mothers has given me the confidence to stop sacrificing my career ambitions and the courage to believe I can have my dream job and this amazing family."

And it gave me the inspiration I needed to make a year-long commitment to the Project. Thank you Robin. I hope lots of others have been inspired too. I'll be wrapping up the series in the coming weeks. Stay tuned.

And now, here's how Robin is having it all.

Briefly describe your life and what you think makes it unique.
I don’t actually believe that our family is unique. My husband and I work full-time jobs away from the home with occasional overtime. We are the parents of an amazing, insightful, and loving five-year old boy and exuberant boy/girl twins who are just shy of two years old.

When the Having It All project started I never imagined myself being in a position where I could contribute. Life was complete and total chaos. I was searching for a job at the end of maternity leave. I was struggling to get everyone fed and clean and clothed amidst a whirling dervish of chaos. One year later I do believe I am “having it all.” I still have a wonderful husband with whom I share a deep love. I have three beautiful children and am getting enough sleep to recognize that fact. My career is full of successes. I have a job that I love; I am a thesis advisor to a Master of Interior Design candidate; and I am in a position to hire and build a team at my office. I even occasionally find time for myself to practice yoga or take a bubble bath.

What are some of your favorite tips and strategies for coping with the chaos?

I know it sounds hokey, but we have a family theme song… Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne. I have found that listening to our five-year old belt it out in the back of the car when the chaos is getting overwhelming helps me gain perspective and see the humor in life.

Being a dual-income family means that the mornings and the evenings can be hectic and I do not want to spend what little time I get with my kids being a giant bundle of stress. I probably make it harder on myself, too, because I love to cook and I try to avoid take-out meals. Sometimes this means that dinner is hot dogs and frozen french fries prepared by me but cooked by someone else; the point is for the kids to see the food coming from our kitchen and to gather the family together at the table for a meal. Due to this priority for me, I have devised some strategies in addition to the hot dog meals. I make a menu for the week, identifying each kids’ breakfast, snack, lunch and then the family dinner. Now that the twins are older and can eat everything we eat, all three kids have the same breakfast and similar lunches. One night a week we have an “easy” family dinner, either tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches or a kid-friendly version of wine and cheese with crackers, cheese, dried fruit, fresh fruit, and nuts. On Sundays I prepare food for the kids to take for snacks and lunches at school/daycare.

Another strategy that has seen us through some tough times was learning to ask for help and learning to accept help in whatever form it arrives. I received generous help from friends and family through the years in the form of home-cooked meals delivered to our porch, free babysitting, and one friend who visited frequently with the sole purpose of folding the children’s laundry and a secondary benefit of providing company. Accepting help was the easier step. Asking for help was a bigger challenge, but a necessity.

My husband and I are self-admitted control-freaks; the twins are tornadoes of destruction. Obviously we have had to let go of our control on a lot of things. But there was only so much mess we could handle, so we hired a wonderful person to come into our home and clean it every other week. As mentioned above, it took some soul-searching to admit we needed the help and seek it out. Now we budget the money for this service and it has saved my sanity.

Please share a moment where it all broke down, and how you got through it.
I feel like something breaks down every single day. However, I think it truly broke down the first six months of the twins’ life. They were born prematurely and were tiny but strong. Unfortunately I suffered a serious complication that left me weak for months and unable to even hold my new babies until they were 36 hours old. I spent a week in the hospital recovering, visiting my newborns once a day because I was too exhausted for more than that, and missing my husband and older son terribly. Once I went home I had to rely on my husband, my family and my friends to take care of me and my older son. I was simultaneously guilty and thankful that the twins had to spend two more weeks in the NICU building up their strength. I was so weak I could barely walk up the stairs to get in our house. I had post-traumatic stress coupled with post-partum hormones. I could not think more than a day ahead. I was just surviving and doing that took all the energy I could muster.

And then the twins came home. My daughter was a cuddle bug and needed to be held all the time. I felt like I was neglecting her twin brother. I had to adjust to listening to her cry so that I could prepare food for myself, make bottles for the twins, and do all the other things you have to do to support yourself and two newborns in their first months of life.

I got through it with the love and a considerable amount of help from my friends and my family. I saw a therapist once a week. I attended twin-specific mother groups. I signed up for a visiting mom through Jewish Family and Children’s Services. I got a Sleepy Wrap, which is a variation on the Moby Wrap specifically for premature babies, so that I could do necessary chores while giving my daughter the snuggles she required. I availed myself of every resource I could possibly find and forced myself to socialize and interact with other people…until I finally saw a light at the end of the tunnel. My daughter started sleeping through the night when she was 10 months old. The twins’ nursing reduced from every hour down to several hours between feedings. I startled myself with the realization that I needed to go back to work for my well being and that of my entire family.

Do you have any balance role models? Anything you try to avoid because it wouldn't work for you?
I do not have a singular person that I look to for balance. I try to learn from all of my friends, both parents and non-parents and adapt what works for them to our life. I strive to create for my children the environment of supportive, unconditional love that my parents created for me. Some of my friends excel at self-care and I look to them for guidance on making time for myself. Others share their own parenting strategies from organizing their home to getting their kids to eat broccoli.

I could not be a stay at home mom. At this point in my life, my identity is intrinsically linked with my career. Furthermore our children are very social and thrive in a school or daycare environment. So any scenario where we are not a dual-income family would not work for us.

Think back to your 18th birthday. How is your life different from how you expected it to be then?
My life is similar but different in distinct ways. When I was 18 I knew that I wanted to be a mother, get married by the time I was 30, have two kids, and be an architect. I am a mother; I got married when I was 30; I have three kids and I am a registered architect. However, when I was 18 I had not given much thought to the reality of being a working mom. I think I believed I would have a job as an architect but only work from the time the bus picked up my kids up for school until it dropped them off after school. Or maybe I thought that I would become a stay at home mom while my children were young. Reality never aligns with our childhood dreams, but life can be fantastic in ways we never dared to imagine.

Relate to what Robin is saying? Leave her some love in the comments. Read other posts from The Having It All Project here. Want to participate? Send me an email at havingitallproject@gmail.com.

The Having It All Project: Diane Thies

I started reading Diane's blog, Dollops of Diane, just before we met a Springboard last year. She's a blogger who manages to seamlessly review a product without forgetting that you're there for the story of how she used it too, which I really appreciate it. Plus, she's a planner, and has kept many of us Boston bloggers connected to each other with non-sponsored events where we just get to be together. I love that about her. Here's how Diane is having it all.

Briefly describe your life and what you think makes it unique.
My father passed away when I was only two months old, so my brother and I were raised by mother in a small town outside of Boston. Unfortunately, my mother developed a rare muscle disorder that meant her health continued to decline throughout my life until her death in 2009. By the time I was finishing high school, she was wheel chair confined but always maintained her smile. After high school, I attended college where I received a bachelor's degree in Marketing with a minor in Finance. I started a job right out of college with an insurance company and several years after that married my husband. In 2007, we started our family which meant and I needed to take a leave from my position as Disability Claims Manager (isn't that what everyone uses their Marketing degree for?). I had every intention of returning to work full time but once I was home with our Isabelle I felt it was right where I needed to be. I did return back to work but only for a couple of months since my heart was at home. It ended up working out well since we discovered shortly after I quit that I was pregnant with baby number two (surprise!). Just fourteen months after Isabelle's birth, we welcomed Henry to the family. Once we had two children we figured what's one more? So nineteen months later we welcomed Daniel to our clan. That meant that we had three children under the age of three. Everyone thought we were insane. Honestly, the first couple of years of motherhood are kind of a blur. Isabelle and Henry were great babies which was followed by Daniel the Demon. He had a milk intolerance, he spit up everything, and he cried all the time. He eventually outgrew that phase but continues to be my biggest challenge. He can be sweet and caring one minute followed by unruly and screaming the next. It's amazing just how different children can be from each other! But I do feel lucky that I have the opportunity to stay home with them. Besides taking care of them full time, I keep busy with being active in our local Moms Club, doing volunteer work, and writing a blog. I am a do-er and prefer to be busy.

What are some of your favorite tips and strategies for coping with the chaos?
Chaos and Diane are two words that I try not to put in the same sentence. I exist most happily in a world full of order and lists. My calendar is my best friend. The Notes section of my iPhone is the runner up in the best friend category. I learned early that if I don't write things down then it won't get done. With each child I've had I've become more and more of a scatterbrain – lists and calendars keep me in check! Something that I struggle with is accepting and handling when things don't go according to plan. However, it's something I'm aware of and is a work in progress!

I also find it's very important to make time for the things that are important to you. Shockingly, exercise has become something that is important to me. That means that I get up at 4:45am several times a week to fit it in before anyone else gets up. You know what else is important to me? Facebook. It allows me to connect with other people besides the mini tyrants that occupy my home. It's an outlet for me and something I enjoy so I make time for it. What's important to you doesn't have to be scholarly and world changing – it just needs to be an outlet that makes you happy. Find it and do it daily!

Please share a moment where it all broke down, and how you got through it.I've conveniently blocked out any specific horrible moments from my life. However, there is definitely a time when frequent breakdowns occur – mornings. You'd think that you can get a schedule set up and get out of the house on time each morning. It just doesn't seem to happen here. I wake up at the crack of dawn (or even before!), I lay out outfits the night before, I pack backpacks the night before, and yet something always goes wrong. Henry, who never sleeps late, will surely be passed out still when it's time for him to get dressed. He'll never be able to find his coat (Hint: It's in the same spot every single day). Isabelle will need to argue about the shoes she's wearing and try to convince me to let her bring two additional pairs of shoes in her backpack. Daniel is actually the constant each morning – he fights me tooth and nail on everything that needs to be done. I find myself yelling at the kids more than I'd like to admit which doesn't do any good anyway. So I try to remind myself that we are all going to get where we are going – whether it's on time or a few minutes later (shudder!). I've also started making small changes to help maintain my sanity in the morning. One of the changes is letting them eat their breakfast in front of the TV on school days. Is this ideal? Probably not, but it gets them fed and allows me to shower and do things uninterrupted for 25 minutes in the morning. That, my friends, is priceless!

Do you have any balance role models? Anything you try to avoid because it wouldn't work for you?
I don't really have specific balance role model that I look towards. Life is a balance and everyone needs to find what works best for them. Some people have immaculate houses but eat out every night. Some people have three weeks of laundry backed up but have a homemade pie on the table with dinner. Some parents prefer weekend date nights while others prefer family movie nights. I think you need to choose what works best for your personality and the dynamics of your family. There is no cookie cutter shape for balance. It comes in all forms. In the end, as long as everyone is happy and healthy than I say you've done a fine job.

Think back to your 18th birthday. How is your life different from how you expected it to be then?
Now I realize that when I was eighteen I was shy and sheltered. I planned on marrying at age 23 (which didn't happen) and having children. Beyond that I didn't have any other big plans or if I did I can't remember them. There was a whole world out there that I had no idea about. I'm so glad that I had a chance to explore it. I know that the decisions that I made, whether good or bad, shaped my life and brought me to where I am today. Ups and downs – I wouldn't have it any other way.

Relate to what Diane is saying? Leave her some love in the comments. Read other posts from The Having It All Project here. Want to participate? Send me an email at havingitallproject@gmail.com.

The Having It All Project: Melanie Gerard

I met Melanie when Hannah began attending Tot Shabbat at our synagogue with Melanie's two older children. Her two boys are passage of time markers for me--how can he be old enough for overnight camp already?--and now our children go there together. We don't see each other often enough, but it's always lovely when we do. Here's how Melanie is having it all.

Briefly describe your life and what you think makes it unique.
My life is borderline cliché and I feel blessed because of it. I have three wonderful kids, ages five through eleven, and a supportive husband by my side. I live in a colonial home in a lovely suburban town, drive a minivan, cook dinner from scratch almost every night, volunteer in my community, and I work part time.

Career-wise, I’m going through what most might consider a unique time. I just completed a very intense, year long journey of self discovery that resulted in a major career transition. The last ten years, I’ve been self employed as a part time business contractor, consulting on a wide range of projects. This work afforded me the flexibility to be with the kids, while moonlighting as Professional Volunteer, Chef, Laundry Clerk, Personal Organizer, and the list goes on. My consulting work was very rewarding, but the projects were increasingly intense and the hours more erratic. As my youngest was getting ready for Kindergarten, I found myself wondering whether I wanted to ramp-up my business or take the unique opportunity to shift into something more “gratifying,” with better work-life balance.

After a year of exploration, networking, and a lot of coffee chats, I decided to mesh my volunteer efforts into a job that will hopefully leverage my skills, create professional growth opportunities, and offer better work-life balance. I’m now the part time Director of Advocacy at a non-profit kids camp. This is a huge career shift, made complicated by my husband’s simultaneous shift into a demanding technology startup job. So far, our first few weeks have been great and we’re trying not to look back.

What are some of your favorite tips and strategies for coping with the chaos?
We try hard to channel the chaos by limiting our kids’ activities, making time for regular exercise, and keeping as organized as possible (this last tip often feels like a losing battle, but I’m not willing to give up on it just yet!).

I am a strong believer in giving kids time to play and be bored. I’m probably one of few parents in Newton that limits her kids to one sport and one extracurricular activity each per season (though I will consider doing more if there’s a hopeful connection to a college scholarship!). It’s helpful that my kids attend a day school that has a strong after school curriculum on site. For example, the kids often stay on campus for piano, guitar, band, and sports which cuts down on the number of places I need to be on any given day.

Exercise has a special place in my life. I carve this time out selfishly and don’t allow anyone or anything to get in the way. My family knows that if I miss a workout, I become cranky and resentful. All I need is 20 minutes a day; and it’s for the common good of those around me.

Please share a moment where it all broke down, and how you got through it.
We have daily break downs, but I’ve learned through experience that the way I handle these situation(s) ultimately defines the magnitude of the breakdown. When the kids were younger, my husband’s travel schedule was synonymous with impending doom. He would leave town and like a recurring nightmare, I would wake up to piles of snow on the ground, a broken major appliance, or a child with a dangerously high fever.

Now that the kids are older, the universe has found alternate ways to test our endurance. A few weeks ago when the kids missed the morning bus, I grumpily drove them to school. The day went totally south from there: the minivan auto slide door refused to stay shut, I hit 45 minutes traffic driving two miles home, I got locked out of the house, couldn’t get through the garage door, the house alarm had a low-battery that was incessantly beeping, and my cell phone had a corrupt/malfunctioning chip! By 2pm, I was sure that locking myself in the bedroom was the best strategy. The only upside to was that I had the good sense to change out of my pajamas before leaving the house – and that I got to spend the morning with my good friend and neighbor, who somehow, I hadn’t seen in months. I coped by keeping my cool and just laughing at all the craziness. Times like this, it helps to remember we live a privileged life and the basic necessities in our lives are luxury to others. Right now, I know too many people out of work, struggling to keep work and wondering where the mortgage payments will come from.

I also learned that social media is a terrific outlet for venting. Within minutes after writing a post about my miserable day, I got instant support from friends who were all too ready to take pity on me and join me for a glass of wine!

Do you have any balance role models? Anything you try to avoid because it wouldn't work for you?
My role models are all the people in my life - from my kids and husband, to my parents and friends. I learn something special from everyone and I honestly believe that each relationship shapes me into the person I am, the person I hope to become, and the person I don’t want to be. I definitely try to avoid activities (and people) that frustrate me. This may seem like an obvious thing to do, but in practice, is actually very hard. If I can dismiss myself from a meeting or somehow navigate/avoid discussions, I will take every opportunity to do so.

Think back to your 18th birthday. How is your life different from how you expected it to be then?
My life is absolutely everything and exactly nothing like I planned it to be! By the time I was 18, it was pretty much understood that I would go to college for business, work a little, then get married and raise a family. This all seemed pretty reasonable, so I went with the flow. Had it been entirely up to me, I would have gone to art school and just “had fun!” My conservative parents would have nothing to do with that kind of thinking. Twenty-two years later, my life has taken some pretty unexpected twists and turns, but I have no regrets and feel blessed and fortunate. The irony is that I still don't have a plan.

I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, despite an entire year of self discovery and soul searching. What I have always known about myself (then and now) is that as long as I continue to strike a balance between personal and professional growth, then I feel like I have it all. The only challenge now is to nail down my target, because as my family’s needs grow and change, so does the goal post.

Relate to what Melanie is saying? Leave her some love in the comments. Read other posts from The Having It All Project here. Want to participate? Send me an email at havingitallproject@gmail.com.

The Having It All Project: Phyllis Myung

Phyllis has what has to be one of my favorite blog titles out there: The Napkin Hoarder. I'd first heard about her after she appeared in the Providence version of Listen To Your Mother last year, and I've so enjoyed getting to know her as we co-produce this year's Boston show. Here's how Phyllis is having it all.

Briefly describe your life and what you think makes it unique.
Hmmmm… My life, right now, feels like one big stride and that I’ve hit a nice little groove or flow despite how crazy it can be at times. I’m a Boston transplant that hails from Chicago, Seattle, Philadelphia (woo hoo Bryn Mawr College!), and Manhattan. My husband was a former Canadian that grew up in the way out there suburbs of New York (anyone heard of Rockland County?). Together, we created a mini-me who is now 4 years old and can claim the birthright of Boston, therefore the right to have the Boston Red Sox as her home team.

I was a stay-at-home mom until my daughter was about 20 months old. My background is in education, but I've had the chance to do things not necessarily related to teaching. Most recently, I run the Toddler Program at Mama & Me in Jamaica Plain, do some social media consulting on the side, hoard napkins, and blog at The Napkin Hoarder. I also have signed on to be a co-producer for the first Listen To Your Mother Show in Boston with two other amazing women – Cheryl Stober (editor's note: hey, I think I know her!) and Jessica Severson.

I think there are a few things that make my life unique. I’m a child of immigrant parents, but since I was born in the States and grew up here, I have this interesting mix that both my husband and I are passing on to our daughter and we are trying to figure it out as we go along. Another thing that makes my life unique is that I have been able to build a community in Boston that is my family since I live across the country from my blood-related family. I think it’s rare to find a group of friends that you could call family and rely upon like close family. It’s also so great because we all have kids that are just months apart in age. I love being able to raise all our kids together – it’s like my daughter has a whole bunch of siblings!

What are some of your favorite tips and strategies for coping with the chaos?
Here are my top-secret tips for staying sane in the midst of the chaos:

1. Try to prep things the night before. I always thought my mom was silly for suggesting that I pick out my clothes for tomorrow the night before. As I’ve gotten older, I see the wisdom in that advice. I try to do that for myself and for my daughter. I usually end up picking out two outfits that she can choose from since she is a little fashionista. I also try to pack bags/backpacks and lunches the night before. It helps me to have those few moments in the morning when we are always rushing out the door!

2. Lists are friends. When I was in high school, I had a hard time remembering my friend’s phone numbers. My remedy was to have a little notebook with them all written down. I’ve never been good about remembering things in my head and now, with a million things going on in my head, my memory has gotten even worse. Lists help me to make sure that I haven’t forgotten anything and it also gives me a sense of accomplishment when I can check it off. I usually keep a running list on my fridge for grocery items too so that I can just add it when I finish up things like the milk or eggs.

3. Make space to have some down time or "me" time. It might be having a cup of tea, getting a pedicure, or even something as simple as taking a short walk. For me, my special time is early Saturday morning around 8 am. I even run some errands around that time at Target and it is heaven. Everything is neat and orderly in addition to it not being crowded. It's my special place. I also recently found a salon that opens at 8 am for hair cuts! That's my second special place. It helps me to recollect myself and gives me a chance to breathe.

4. Give yourself lots of grace. Sometimes, the universe just goes awry and there isn't much you can do about it. It may feel like it was because you weren't prepared or because of something you did, but at the end of the day, you have to give yourself grace in the chaos. We beat ourselves up so much and tend to be extra hard, so we could use some loving on ourselves as busy women. Oh, and don't be sorry about it.

5. What's your family vision or where do you see yourself headed as a family? What are your aspirations or goals for your children? For my husband and I, we want our daughter to grow up as a kind, generous, inclusive, and happy person. We talked about what we thought that would look like and then made our decisions about her schooling, activities, and so forth with those goals in mind. Whenever things get crazy, we try to think about where we want to be as a family and the kind of family that we want to be. It really helps us to say yes or no to activities, events, pressures, etc. without thinking too much about it.

Please share a moment where it all broke down, and how you got through it.
When my daughter was about 18 months old, I pretty much lost it. I found myself being really frustrated and hating being a mom. I also found myself walking the edge of depression and taking it out a lot on my husband. I thought to myself, "This can't be it. There must be more to my life than this. I cannot continue on this path." I felt like a complete loser because I was a stay-at-home mom and didn't feel like I was contributing to my family or to the society at large. One of the first things that I did was enroll my daughter in a toddler drop off program where I could get a few hours to myself each week. It helped me to find myself again and also gave me time to look for a part time job. Luckily, I found a fantastic part time job with an awesome mentor and boss. The next thing I did was I went and got a pedicure and a haircut. After that, I went out with my friends for a much needed girls' night out. For me, these things signified self-care and made me feel so much better as a woman. It also gave me some time to be away and let my husband take care of our daughter and whatever needed to get done at home. Finally, I decided to let go of some control. I'm a bit of a control freak, so this was hard and super theoretical, but I sat down and listed out a few ways that I could practically and tangibly let go. I also ended up reading this book about being a missional mom which really helped me to put my faith, my identity, and my present circumstances in a life-changing perspective.

Do you have any balance role models? Anything you try to avoid because it wouldn't work for you?
Hmmmmm... I don't have one particular balance role model, but I probably end up looking to many different women - from friends and my own mom as well as Michelle Obama. I try to take little bits of wisdom from all different women and then mash it into something that works for my family and me. One thing that I do try to avoid, though, is comparing myself to others. Everyone is different and runs differently with varying capacities. What works for one woman, may not work for another. We just need to be there to support one another and help one another figure out this whole balancing act.

Think back to your 18th birthday. How is your life different from how you expected it to be then?
Wow, I was so naive and immature at the age of 18! I thought I would have at least three children and be a lady who lunched, but then would later become the President of the United States when I was really old at the age of 35. HA! I currently only have one child, but have lived the life of a lady who lunched (albeit briefly) and I have no plans for a presidential campaign at the moment. I no longer think that 35 is old, but that it's the new 25. I also thought I would be well established in a career, but have realized that people evolve and can have several careers throughout their lifespan. I would like to think that my 18 year old self would be proud of who I am today and also quite happy with where I ended up!

Relate to what Phyllis is saying? Leave her some love in the comments. Read other posts from The Having It All Project here. Want to participate? Send me an email at havingitallproject@gmail.com.

What's Your Balancing Act? The "Mogul, Mom, and Maid" Blog Carnival

Disclosure: none needed. I purchased my own copy of the "Mogul, Mom, and Maid" in support of my friend!

It’s hard to type from 40,000 feet and the middle seat of the last row of the plane, but that’s what I’m trying to do. While you’re reading this sometime after midnight on December 2, I’m writing it on Sunday, November 17, while I’m en route to Nebraska. Actually, I’m headed to Minneapolis now, and we’ll see if I ultimately make it to Lincoln. I’m not overly optimistic, as not much has gone right today. (Updated to add: I did make it in the end. Thirteen hours after I left the house, but still, I made it.)

I was supposed to go to temple this morning, and be my husband’s support team as he served as greeter for an event. Not that he needed me really, but I wanted to go, it would have been fun. Instead, I finished packing, cleaned the kitchen, did two loads of laundry and left things as nicely as I could for my family to get by without me. I also fought a paper jam while trying to print my boarding pass, and somehow gave myself a splinter that I wasn’t able to completely remove. And then I made my way to the airport to be gone for about a day and a half.

While sitting on the airplane, my daughter sent me an emoticon-filled email to say how much she already missed me. I knew she was fine, but it still broke my heart.

This is the story of a working woman trying to find some balance. In these moments, which are truly unbalanced, favoring work, and even housework, over life, it isn’t all that clear if it all really does work. It’s definitely not easy. These are the stories that my friend, author and Having It All Project participant, Liz O’Donnell, is telling in her new book, “Mogul, Mom, and Maid: The Balancing Act of the Modern Woman.” The book provides strategies for getting through these more challenging times, but more than that, it provides other stories so that you know you're not alone. If you're working, chances are you can't change a lot about the circumstances of any given day. Knowing you're not the only one who has to skip both the PTO meeting and the after-work networking dinner, though, can make it a little easier to get through the day.

I recommend the book highly - I couldn't put it down. Be sure to look for it at a store near you, and check out other posts in the M3 Blog Carnival at helloladies.com!

The Having It All Project: Kate Lair

I'm so thrilled to feature Kate here on The Having It All Project. Kate and I attended high school together--we even posed for prom photos together at our friend Marti's house--but we didn't know each other all that well. Now, reading about all that she was going through then, I'm a bit sad for the time lost, but honored that she's sharing it all here now. Here's how Kate is having it all.

Briefly describe your life and what you think makes it unique.

I'm a married, work out of the house mom with one awesome 8 year old daughter, Maya.  I always want to say that I'm just your "typical" work out of the house mom.  But, the truth is I'm not typical.  I have a progressive, degenerative neuromuscular disease called Charcot Marie Tooth Disease (CMT).  Most people have never heard of it (in spite of the fact that it is actually the most common inherited neurological disease) but the bottom line is that my nerves are dysfunctional and thus messages from my brain can't get to my muscles.  As a result, I have significant muscle wasting.  It makes everyday things like walking, climbing stairs, opening bottles etc. much more challenging for me.  It is an inherited disorder, so I've had it my whole life.  It is progressive and does get worse as I get older. On top of CMT I have been plagued with various orthopedic problems and other minor health conditions like obstructive sleep apnea and hypothyroidism.  I've had 5 orthopedic surgeries since 2001.  I have arthritis in my knees hips and shoulders.  In many ways, my life is very similar to many other working parents with decent professional jobs.  I work a normal 40 hour week with occasional overtime, my daughter does after school activities, have to keep up with housework, yadda, yadda, yadda. I just have added physical impairments which make trying to live a "normal" 35 year old person's life more exhausting, painful, and challenging.  

What are some of your favorite tips and strategies for coping with the chaos?

I'm very much a one moment at a time kind of person.  I can get easily overwhelmed when I think of all that needs to get done at any given moment.  I try very hard to break things down into steps and take things one step at a time.  I love lists.  Few things are as satisfying as crossing something off the to do list.  I also refuse to do it all alone.  I try very hard to not take on more than I can handle and if I am overwhelmed I try to force myself to ask for help.  I'm not all that good at that to be honest, but I'm trying to get better.  My 8 year old daughter is very capable and we have been trying to instill a sense of responsibility and competence from a young age.  I give reminders, but some things are her job and she has to suffer the consequences if they are not done.  My husband is also a true partner and helps minimize the chaos because he does his fair share.  When I'm acutely recovering from an injury or surgery he actually does way more than his fair share and doesn't complain about it.  Plus, he can always make me laugh so just when I am at the end of my rope he will say or do something that cracks me up.  Any amount of chaos is bearable when you have plenty of laughter and love. 

Please share a moment  where it all broke down, and how you got through it.
I find it hard to pinpoint a "moment."  I am pretty good at coping in the moment, but cumulative stress and exhaustion really takes a toll.  I suspect I'm not alone.  Usually, the point where I lose my ever loving mind is not about whatever is going on in that moment.  It is a cumulative effect of small pressures building until finally, I reach a boiling point.  At that point, get out of the way because it is likely there will be collateral damage.  

For example, this spring and summer were extremely challenging.  I had been having problems with my right shoulder for about a year.  In January of 2013 I finally started going to the doctor to get relief.  I tried rest, physical therapy, I went round and round with the orthopedic surgeon and finally in April, I got an MRI.  It looked like my rotator cuff was torn and I elected to have surgery.  This was done in late May.  Did I mention that my job had just moved locations and we were in the beginning of a huge project to restructure the way we do business?  Also, my husband and I planned on moving in the summer of 2013 because of the office location move, searching for a better commute and better schools, etc.  We had to find a new place, pack up the old one, move, unpack, etc.  We didn't have the luxury of hiring packers and movers.  We planned to do it all ourselves.  

So, I scheduled the surgery for the end of May, tentatively planned the move for sometime in August hoping I would be recovered enough to at least be able to pack and unpack boxes.  I worked my tail off at work trying to get as much done and in good shape because I had been told I would be out of work for 6 weeks.  The surgery was uneventful (which is a very good thing.  I once had a severe reaction to anesthesia that almost killed me, so anytime I have surgery I get nervous).  Turns out the rotator cuff was not actually torn, just some impingement and damaged tendon tissues.  I had my follow up with the surgeon and he said I could go back to work with restrictions after just 10 days from surgery.  So, I went back to work.  I was exhausted.  The night after my first full 8 hour day I tripped and twisted my foot.  My husband was away on a business trip.  I managed to get my daughter off to school the following morning with the help of a friend and got myself in for an x-ray. Not broken!  Yay!  Just a severe sprain!  So, I kept working.

Meanwhile, at work, I had been selected for a pilot team to test a bunch of new ways of doing business, one of which was the development of a brand new role.  I was told I would be testing out this new role (which was not yet defined).  It was a great opportunity for me.  The kind of opportunity which may not lead to immediate promotion, but certainly had potential for me to impress people.  

So, in spite of the chaos of my physical issues and attempting to find a place to live, pack the house and do all the moving transitions, I approached the challenge with enthusiasm, a sense of humor and gave it my all.  I put in extra hours, undergoing enormous change and stress to try to create a new role and make it successful.  Based on the feedback I received at work, it seemed like I was doing well.  

In the midst of all this, we have to clean and pack the house.  At one point, I was helping my daughter get her room organized.  It was an absolute pig sty.  There were toys everywhere, clothing everywhere, you could barely walk through the room.  She is 8, I was still recovering from the shoulder surgery and sprained foot.  I was tired, in pain, crabby and really really stressed out.  She and I were in there, and like any typical 8 year old kid she was "cleaning" but getting distracted by every toy she came across and, ahem, not moving very fast.  As in, a sloth changing positions to find its next prime napping spot would probably have moved faster.  I lost.my.mind.  I started throwing all of her toys into a pile so I could clear a path to walk.  I'm yelling things like, "if you can't be bothered to take care of your things, then you will have no more things, I will simply throw everything away." My little hoarder starts sobbing and screaming because I'm throwing her toys and honestly, I probably scared her a little because at that point, Rational Mommy who understands what can reasonably be expected from an 8 year old and how to communicate with said 8 year old had left the building. Dragon Mom with eyes that shoot daggers and steam coming out of her ears and fire from her mouth had taken over.  We went on like that for a good ten minutes.  Screaming, shouting, crying, oh my!  I finally had to leave the room and physically and metaphorically cool off.  I went downstairs.  I had a glass of water.  My husband is all "what the heck is going on?" we talk.  I calm down, cool off and head back up the stairs to her room.  Like I said, I wasn't very proud of how I behaved.  

Once I got upstairs, we sat down on her bed and I apologized.  I told her that I was sorry I yelled and that even though I was really upset, and had good reason to be upset, it wasn't ok for me to yell at her like that.  I explained that while it was ok for me to feel frustrated that she wasn't taking cleaning seriously, that she had allowed it get to the point it was in, and that she was not treating her things with respect, how I dealt with that frustration was inappropriate.  We talked about other strategies I could have used (i.e. i should have left the room a lot sooner than I did).  We talked about why keeping her room neat on a regular basis is important, etc.  I again apologized sincerely, hugs and kisses were had and then we continued to clean her room with no further incident.

Although I still cringe whenever Dragon Mom makes an appearance, I can thankfully say it doesn't happen all that often.  Though I don't like it, I do think it is important for our kids to see that parents aren't perfect.  Also, they learn a lot from watching what we do in those moments.  The truth is, we all make mistakes.  I believe the true measure of your character is how you handle yourself after you've screwed up.  

Regardless, had all the other stress I was under at the time-recovering from injury and surgery, work stress, and moving stress not been smoldering, it is unlikely Dragon Mom would have made an appearance over something so minor as a messy room.  But, that is how it happens.  Again, not very proud of myself, but eventually, I reach a point where I just can't take any more and something small and stupid will just make me come unglued.  I think everyone has a boiling point.  I'm trying to learn from that though and keep things from getting too overwhelming again.  

Do you have any balance role models? Anything you try to avoid because it wouldn't work for you?

I can't think of any specific balance role models. I do try to learn from my mother. Sadly, she passed away when I was pregnant with Maya, but she was such an incredible mother. I miss her everyday. She was not perfect, and I try to learn from her "mistakes" as much as her successes.

I still marvel at all she managed to accomplish with 4 daughters to raise.  One lesson I've learned from her is to get my priorities right.  Her house (and now mine) was never spic and span perfect.  It was lived in, could almost always benefit from a thorough dusting, or mopping of the floors, but we had plenty of time with her.  She spent time making things for us (she was an extremely talented seamstress), helped with homework, always encouraged us, etc.  At this point, I recognize that I can't do it all.  I don't have the physical stamina to work all day and keep up with the amount of housework necessary to have a spotless house.  I'm not saying I live in a pig sty or anything, but my house could use a good dusting.  The floors need to be mopped, etc.  However, it is just not a major priority.  I would rather spend quality time with my daughter after work than mop the floors.  I've accepted certain limitations and try to focus my energies where I need them, my family and my job.

One of the "mistakes" I am trying to learn from her life is that she did not take very good care of herself.  She never made the time to make her health and well being a priority.  As a busy working mom, I completely understand how easy it is to brush my own health and welfare under the rug.  But, I'm really trying hard not to do that because I remember how devastating it was to watch as a child and I don't want that for my daughter.  I'm also motivated because if I'm not well, I'm less effective in everything I do at home and at work.   

Think back to your 18th birthday. How is your life different from how you expected it to be then?

In many ways, I'm living a life I barely dared to hope to have.  I think I assumed I would make more money and be more financially "ahead," but I had lead a relatively sheltered upper middle class life, so most of that was just naivety.  Plus, the economy bottomed out and I think most of us are not where we thought we would be.  But, beyond that, I knew I would want to be married with children and working out of the house.  Ironically enough, I never questioned that I would be a "working mom."  I just assumed I would never be happy as a stay-at-home mom.  Of course, once motherhood actually arrived there have been numerous times where I have wished I could be a stay-at-home mom. Even now, with just one school aged child I would very much prefer to work part time (25-30 hours per week would be ideal for me), but that is mostly a function of the advancement of CMT and less about motherhood per se.  I don't have the stamina to work full time and give what I want to my family and take care of myself as much as I should.  But, like many other families out there, me staying home, or even working part time is not feasible for us.  I do like my job, and I think I personally need to have some focus outside my family to feel like the best me (my 18 year old self got that much right), I just wish I could do it for fewer hours of the week.   

As much as I hoped this would be my life, I didn't actually believe it would happen.  I got the message very clearly from my father growing up that because I was "damaged goods" it was unlikely any man would want me, and that if I did miraculously manage to snare a man, I should definitely not have children for fear of passing on this "dreaded disease" (there's a 50/50 chance with each pregnancy of passing on CMT)  That, coupled with my awkwardness with boys in high school had me convinced I was basically untouchable.  I never believed I was totally worthless (thanks in large part to my mother), but I definitely spent the better part of my adolescence and young adulthood feeling undesirable and unwanted.  Thankfully, I managed to develop some self confidence in college and graduate school.  When my husband and I started dating I really believed for the first time that the "happily ever after" I always wanted was possible.  It is not always sunshine and roses around here, but truthfully the reality of my marriage and family life are far better than I ever could have believed possible.

Relate to what Kate is saying? Leave her some love in the comments. Read other posts from The Having It All Project here. Want to participate? Send me an email at havingitallproject@gmail.com.

photo credit: mrp photography