Nailed It

I have a complicated relationship with getting my nails done.

On the one hand, it feels completely frivolous and unnecessary to spend money on such a small thing.

On the other hand, it makes me feel pretty and more put together.

I got my nails done in advance of this video taping tomorrow, because I'm supposed to appear conversational and try to gesture a lot. I don't think I gesture a lot naturally, but I'm going to try to tomorrow.

Yay self care I guess?

Speak Slowly

Half way in to the office this morning, I got an email that my building had a water main break, and that we should work from home! So I hopped off the train and took the next one back towards Newton, voted in our town elections, bought some muffins from the local cafe, and then came home to change into comfier clothes. I've done two conference calls from home this morning, and now I get to spend the afternoon talking to myself.

I'd have talked to myself in the office today too, but it's definitely better to get to do this from the comfort of my couch. I'm filming a video later this week, and while I'm supposed to appear easy-breezy conversational, well, that takes some practice from me. It's like four one-minute monologues. Over the past few years, I've gotten used to helping my kids with monologues for various auditions, but it's not something I myself have to do all that often. I talk fast, and it's not easy for me to moderate that. I've managed with a teleprompter before, but I won't have one this time around.

I hope Shira (our dog) is in the mood for lots of talk about bank loans. She's the only audience I've got.

Who Wins?

Max started middle school this fall, and it was a highly anticipated event for me, because for the first time in, well, basically forever, I wasn't going to have to wait until the school bus picked him up at 8:15 and then start my commute into Boston. I'd almost never get a train before 8:30, and often get into my office just a hair before 9:30. Our official start time, according to my offer letter fourteen years ago, is 8:45 am. There were occasions when Marc waited with Max, but generally, it was me, and generally, I was late to work. Gratefully, my bosses always understood, but it made me anxious.

I hate being late. Really, really hate it. In my mind, early is on time and on time is basically late. I routinely dial in to conference calls two minutes early, just in case. I actually don't mind if *you're* late - I really don't - but I can't do it. Send out a search party if I'm more than five minutes behind on anything.

I also felt like I was losing my best time of the day to waiting around. I didn't really get any extra sleep, since I wanted to connect with Hannah before she would leave for the day. While I often logged in to work in recent years, I typically wouldn't get much done. Sometimes there were 8 or 9 am meetings I would miss, and my email would really build up between 8 and 9 each day. I hated that feeling of always starting the day behind.

So now Marc, Hannah and Max all drive off together every morning, significantly earlier than the elementary school bus. Some mornings I linger a bit, playing with the dog or throwing dishes in the dishwasher, but a lot of times, I'm ready to go right alongside them. I get to work before the "start time" and I almost always get a seat on the train now, or have the flexibility to wait for the next one if I want. I don't feel constantly behind.

But I am working more. And spending a few less minutes with Max each day. Sooo...toss up?

Before 1:30 pm

A list of things I’ve done today, a fairly typical Sunday:

Got up to the sound of the dog barking
Let the dog out, fed and watered
Took laundry out of the dryer and left it out of reach of the dog
Woke Hannah
Showered and got dressed - yay jeans!
Put two loads of laundry away
Brought down and started another load of laundry after picking up clothes from the bedroom floor
Had Max take out the recycling
Made sure the kids had what they needed for religious school/Hannah’s outing with friends this afternoon
Meal planned for the first half of the week with Hannah’s assistance, made the shopping list
Stopped for coffee on the way to religious school
Dropped the kids off
Did the grocery shopping at Wegman’s - thankful for all the products they have that simplify our lives
Unpacked the groceries at home
Flipped the laundry
Did some dishes - not much but had emptied leftovers from the refrigerator
Took the compost outside
Bagged up clothes from the closet floor for Vietnam Vets pick up on Tuesday, brought them downstairs, plus an old lamp we’re donating
Ordered lunch online for three of us from Panera
Picked up lunch
Picked up Hannah early from religious school, drove her to a friend’s house while she ate
Chatted with my friend at the drop off
Drove home and attacked our laundry closet to pull out boots and other winter gear, sorted more stuff to donate
Took the laundry out of the dryer, started washing the dog’s blanket
Sent an email to South Stage Parents, plus another to the South Stage Board
Drank juice since my blood sugar was plummeting
Picked up Max from religious school (started writing this list while I waited in the parking lot)
Flipped laundry again, started another load
Ate lunch with Max, flipped through the Globe Sunday magazine
Cleaned up from lunch
Had Max assess his portion of the winter gear, reminded him to finish his homework

...And umpteen times letting the dog out and coercing her back in with treats.All before 1:30 in the afternoon. Later, I still need to work on a graphic for South Stage, take Max to and from choir practice, pick up Hannah from her outing,  cook dinner and clean up from that. I'll get some time to rest this afternoon, probably watching Saturday Night Live as Sunday Afternoon Pre-Recorded. But no wonder it's less tiring to go back to my office on Monday, right?

Mind the Gap

Speaking of trains, it's nothing short of miraculous that I have never fallen or been pushed into the train track gap at South Station for the Red Line. It's something I'm acutely aware of each and every day, as the work day finally ends and I'm up for the last hurdle of just getting myself home safely. Every single afternoon, I come down to the tracks and position myself in such a way that I can get to the train doors quickly, but not too close so that an overcrowded platform, or someone just misjudging the space and plowing into me, doesn't send me careening onto the tracks. I also make sure that if I were to faint or something, I'd have enough space around me in any direction in order to not fall head first into the ditch before an oncoming train.

Am I crazy to think about this every day? Probably. Nothing has ever happened to me, even though I did once know someone who assisted in pulling a stranger up off from the tracks as a train approached, but I'd been watching my surroundings long before that incident. And I have seen many people faint on the train in my almost two decades of commuting. But I feel like I'm always one of those people who is very conscious of the space I take up, and where I am in the world, when so many people are just...not. That's just what I do.

And I guess I don't take that safety I try to inoculate myself with for granted.

But Someday, I Might

For the last fourteen years, I’ve worked across the street from Boston’s main train station. In addition to the local commuter rail and subway trains, there are many Amtrak trains that leave throughout the day, and they’re often stacked up patiently waiting when I pass through in the mornings. I hear the announcements, destinations I have never been, and the ATM is right there, and I could easily buy a ticket and go. Maybe somewhere close even, so I can get back home in the same day, would anyone even notice?

I consider it an amazing bit of discipline that I've never done it.

For KP

This week, my former boss and long-time mentor is retiring. Here's the speech I gave at his retirement luncheon.

There are only a few moments in my life that I can remember very clearly, and one of those was just over 12 years ago, when I interviewed with KP and JB for what has become known as the data specialist role within our team. Even though I knew them already from getting signatures on trades so I could fax and scan them to our counterparties, they were still as intimidating as we all know them to be. KP hotly contests that he is intimidating, but we all know it’s true.

I remember sitting in KP’s office on 34, since he had that extra wooden circular table, in what would eventually become “my seat,” and telling KP and JB that I didn’t know how to do half of the things in the job description they’d provided. I was specifically very scared of being responsible for knowing the performance of the fund and the index. I had no idea then that performance would be the thing that would keep me up at night all these years later.

I joined Loomis in 2005, but didn’t join this team until March 2007, just before the bank loan market was the hottest it probably will ever be. I was sending out easily over a dozen bank books a week. We had the SLF and Lux, and SLF II, Credit Opps, and two CLOs and 1199... and then the bottom dropped out from underneath us all. I had my son Max on January 1, 2008, which was perfect timing if you want to spend the first year of your child’s life in a panic about whether or not you’d continue to have a job.

But somehow we persevered, and I learned about defaults and we argued the definitions of recovery, and things improved. We came up with the “promises” section of our presentation. Then we got permission to develop SFRFI, and I started sitting in on more and more presentations. That wooden circular table had become the staging area for all of the marketing books KP needed printed out for every meeting and roadshow. Soon enough I got to hit the road too, but it was hard for KP to accept at first. He eventually became what he always has been for me: my biggest supporter and champion.

For years, whenever someone asked me what I liked best about my job, the answer was a simple one: I liked the fact that you and JB were the smartest people in the room. I was always going to learn something new when I was around you, whether it was in front of a client or in one of the many, many lectures you would give me over the years. I trusted that you were working as hard as you could to do the right things for our clients, and for our team, and that was something I wanted to be part of. When performance turned down again in 2015, you once again walked me through the resiliency of bank loans, and then we had our best year ever, leading us to win the Lipper Award, one of the proudest moments of my career.

We haven’t always agreed on everything. For example, no one will ever really believe me when I tell them the story of the car accident we were in on the way to a meeting at Natixis, because the version you tell is better. And while you will tell everyone that you’re a registered Independent, we’ve had plenty of heated discussions over the years. I haven’t always been able to get you on my side, but I like to think I’ve made some progress.

KP, thank you for all that you’ve done for me and for this team. Personally, it’s pretty amazing that I’ve almost made it to the end of the elementary years as a full-time working mom, while also experiencing so much amazing growth and opportunity, and I know that wouldn’t have been possible without you and JB. Thank you for always making time for us; the time you invested in each of us has made all of us better, not just at our jobs, but as people. What you have built goes beyond AUM and performance, even if those are your primary goals. It’s also about a team of people who through disciplined choices and hard work, can do the very best we can for our clients.

Thank you for everything, and you will be dearly missed.