Almost Twelve - #NaBloPoMo 3

So yesterday's post, The New Routine is No Routine, listed out all that we've had going on as the fall and a new school year has gotten underway. I assured you there that while it's okay with me to not have as much routine as we used to have, well, it's not completely true. There have been some really hard days where I've questioned all of it. With a schedule like ours, I'd be crazy not to wonder about paring it all back, right?

But the day that really got me was a Friday back in September. We all went to school and work, but now that Hannah's in middle school, she leaves right around 7 am. We're both getting ready for the day between 6 and 7, and I get to see her for five minutes or less during that hour. That morning, it was on the less than five minutes side. That evening, Hannah was invited to an event and was going to be gone from when I'd usually be arriving home until after 10 pm. So I tried to alter my schedule and make it home 15 minutes earlier, just so I could spend a bit of time with her before she left. But the phone rang in my office and then the train took just a little longer than usual, and I made it to our block just in time to see her leaving with her friends. I missed her.

Now the funny thing is that when I'm traveling for work, there are of course days like this. Somehow though, they're different, and maybe because I'm expecting it, I can handle it better. But I really didn't like not seeing her all day, and often make myself a little crazy trying to avoid days like this. I realize, too, how lucky we are to even be in circumstances like these, where we have places to go and ways to get there and people counting on us, to be healthy enough and in this stage where the most quality time is often spent driving someone somewhere.

But she's almost 12. As I'm writing this the sun is setting on a beautiful fall afternoon and winter will be here in a moment and then she really will be 12 and two-thirds of her childhood will be behind her. The ball I picture rolling down the hill has picked up speed since I began seeing it in my mind two years ago and I can feel our time together shrinking and changing. There are going to be entire days when I don't get to see her. There are going to be more and more of them as I encourage her to spread her wings and try more and more things without me.

So it's really not about cutting back on the schedule. It's about adjusting to the changing times, about episodes of Project Runway and trips to the craft store and texting and listening to her sing. And it's about stealing an extra hug from Max, because thankfully he's still around, and working on my life with Marc so we can withstand the changes yet to come.

And sometimes, it'll be about making it home in time for those extra 15 minutes.

The New Routine is No Routine - #NaBloPoMo 2

I used to look forward to "normal" weeks. Weeks where everyone would go to school and work as forecast for a whole five days, where we didn't have any extras to navigate around. Frankly, they didn't happen often, but they did happen on occasion. Now, I can't claim that they happen at all.

Hannah started sixth grade this year, and with it, many new activities. In addition to last year's involvement with our town's All City Choir on Wednesdays, she's doing an extra choir at middle school on Thursdays. Unless she can't be at All City because she's starting her group bat mitzvah project through our synagogue, which starts this week and runs at the same time. Then she still has religious school on Tuesday afternoons at our synagogue, at the same time that Max has it as well, but on Sundays the timing is staggered and she starts half an hour later and in a different building five minutes away from his. Since Max started staying for extra choir rehearsals himself, that means they end within 10 minutes of each other, so we rush to make both pick ups. That is, if they both go to religious school on the same day, and Marc and I don't have to already attend with one of them for some program or another. And a couple hours later, we head back to synagogue where the kids attend a two hour play rehearsal for an upcoming production of "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" (Max is one of the brothers, and Hannah got the title role!). Sometimes after that ends, Hannah has Rosh Hodesh, a group for sixth grade girls, or a bat mitzvah-related session. Soon she needs to start bat mitzvah lessons. And Max has piano on Tuesdays and basketball on Saturday mornings, at least for another few weeks, and Thursday afternoons at Hebrew school too. Got it?

Then layer in Marc taking a class one night a week, or occasional evening conference calls I have with clients in other time zones, or the fact that I might be traveling for work, or Board and other meetings Marc and I both attend with frequency, and the never-enough-time dinner we might schedule with friends, and there simply is no normal.

Which, actually, is just fine by me.

My 500th Blog Post - #NaBloPoMo 1

Here I go again.

Today is November 1, which is the start of another round of NaBloPoMo, where bloggers torture convince themselves that posting on their blogs every single day for a month is a good idea. I've always had #bloggoals, less lofty than #squadgoals, one of which is to post more often every year than the last.

2015 is going to be the first year I fail at that.

But I'm coming off of two really dedicated blog years. 2013 was The Having It All Project, where I had 50 guest posts written by others. The only way I could top that in 2014 was by doing not one but TWO NaBloPoMos, one of which I inflicted upon myself as a way to not get depressed after the first season of Boston's LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER came to a close. 2015 has been more about whether or not the blog even survives another year. I am hanging on by a thread these days.

So, NaBloPoMo it is. Coincidentally, this is my 500th blog post ever. Considering the blog is eight years old, I think 500 is actually a fairly low number. Considering that I'm not paid a dime for any of my efforts here, perhaps 500 is just the right number. Maybe I've been feeling blogger's block because 500 is actually a really high number.

Just so this post isn't only about contemplating my own blogging path, here are the kids Halloween costumes this year. Hannah made hers from scratch, completely by hand, whereas Marc helped Max order components for his since the character he wanted wasn't officially sold anywhere.

A Starbucks strawberry frappuchino

"Carlos" from the Disney movie, "Descendants"

It looks like I've missed a couple of Halloween years on the blog. Here's a recap from 2004-2010 and another from 2012. Recalling 2013 and 2014 was surprisingly difficult!

A skeleton and a nerd, 2013.

2014

38: Cutting Myself Some Slack

Hard to believe that another birthday is upon me, but here it is. Thirty-eight.

I have to admit that 37 won't go down in the books as my favorite year. Work has been harder than ever before. Both kids had pneumonia and Max was hospitalized for it, and then I was really sick with it too. We spent a big portion of the year renovating the house, which was the achievement of a long-held goal, but also relatively stressful to live through. I didn't write very much. I exercised even less. I had a hard time giving up something important to me. 

I realize too that a lot of it is my own attitude, tearing myself down, of not being able to be optimistic, not cutting myself any slack. Maybe it's a product of being only 38, as I have had many friends counsel me that upon turning 40, a lot of these things that I hold over myself, I just won't bother with anymore. There will be a lot more letting things go once I hit that magical age, or so I've been told.

That's another 730 days from now. And that's too long to wait.

So here, in no particular order other than the order in which they were written, are 38 things I'll be cutting myself some slack on over the next year. Maybe it'll inspire me to cut myself some slack over items that didn't make the list too. Here goes.

1. It's unlikely that my eyeliner is going to be perfect on both eyes at the same time.

2. I don't have to make the bed every day. I don't even need to untangle the sheets if I don't want to.

3. It's okay to want to wait until I see Max get on the school bus every day.

4. It's also okay to feel very stressed out by having to wait for the school bus every day.

5. It's okay to post on my blog two days in a row.

6. It's also okay to not post for weeks at a time, even if my mind still processes life through a blog post lens.

7. It's okay to think good thoughts about my friends more often than I can see most of them.

8. It's fine to be more aware of a variety of pop culture items than I have time to actually consume them.

9. It's okay that I'm not a big fan of reading books. I read a lot of things, but shorter works better for me.

10. Similarly, it's okay that I didn't make it to your book launch party. (I probably still sent you some good thoughts.)

11. And it doesn't mean that I might not write my own book some day. And want you to come to my book launch party.

12. It's okay to have more ideas than I have time for executing on those ideas. It's not okay to only be an idea person though.

13. It's okay if my "word of the year" is kind of a dud.

14. It's okay to feel sad about missing out on something, but not so sad that I miss out on everything.

15. It doesn't have to be perfect for it to count as exercise, so the need for perfection shouldn't stop me from doing it.

16. It's okay for me to watch The Real Housewives, but not of every city. That's just too much of a time commitment.

17. And it's okay for me to watch Grey's Anatomy until the bitter, bitter end (though I still think it's really good).

18. It's still okay to think about my miscarriage.

19. It's okay to go to bed at 7 pm once in a while.

20. It's okay to really, really want a woman to be President.

21. It's okay to drive the longer way home because the turns are easier to make.

22. It's okay to wear leggings as pants. Even me.

23. It's okay if the comment meant as a joke still stings a bit. It's even better to have a snappy comeback.

24. It's okay to take a sick day. (Someone please remind me I said this. I'm sure I'll deny it.)

25. It's fine not to like emojis, and to remember when "@" was the foundation for an Internet rose.

26. It's okay to embrace my strands of grey hair one day and pluck them out the next.

27. It's okay to still really like Twitter.

28. It's okay that I print out far too few pictures, so long as I keep taking them at all.

29. It's fine to use "Find a Friend" as many times as it takes to confirm Hannah's location. And to text her more than she'd like, too.

30. It's okay to talk a lot about our upcoming trip to Disney World because I am really freaking excited to go back to Disney World.

31. It's okay to coordinate the work rather than do it all.

32. It's okay to be fiercely proud of my Jewish identity and simultaneously acknowledge how complicated it can be.

33. It's okay to have a hard time finding 38 interesting things to say.

34. It's okay to want to eat the same things for lunch all the time.

35. It's okay to wear dark nail polish, even when everyone else in the salon wants marshmallow and ballet slipper.

36. It's okay to not really like wine and beer, and to hate the "drink away your problems, Mommy" memes.

37. It's okay not to throw out my old mix tapes, even if I can't play them on anything anymore.

38. It's okay to really enjoy jordan almonds, even if it's kind of ridiculous.

So that's my list. Happy birthday to me.

The Staypiece: Ten Years With One Company

Ten years ago me

This week I'll celebrate my tenth anniversary at work. Well, celebrate isn't really the right word, as there probably won't be any acknowledgement of it at all, save for the fact that LinkedIn has announced it for me to those who have connected with me there. We are not a very celebratory kind of place, which is okay by me.

I've thought a lot about what it means to stay with one firm for 10 years, and I know how rare that is in today's job climate. Before this, I was with the first company I worked full-time at for almost six years. I guess that says something about me, that I must prefer some kind of stability, and I'm certain that I do. But in both companies, I worked hard to progress through the ranks, to earn an MBA, to take on more and more than I ever thought possible for myself. That's what I think most people try to do early in their careers though, and I'm no exception to that. But 10 years in one place is still a long time.

Last month, an article in The Atlantic crossed my Twitter feed, entitled "No One Cares That You Quit Your Job." Quit pieces have become an Internet staple, and I've read so many of them over the years, from law and finance to new parents who decide to give up the juggle. A quote from the piece, which was written in response to someone leaving academia (though one can substitute some other industries):

"Here’s the truth: academia is an amazing sector with some of the best features of any job, even if it also has substantial problems. Folks on the way out might feel like they're biting their thumb at something, and those still “stuck” on the inside of this troubled-but-terrific career might feel some welcome-if-temporary solidarity. But after that, it’s just more fodder for legislators, corporations, and the general public to undermine the academy. It helps nobody in the long run.

Why should anyone be impressed that somebody can quit something? Much more impressive is figuring out how to live with it. More staypieces, please."

So this is my staypiece. I've stayed as long as I have for a few major reasons, and while it hasn't always been easy (helllloooo, 2008), I'm still living with it. Here's how.

1) The quality of the people. I've worked with the majority of my team for the last seven years, and they are people of great substance. While my bosses (now, actually, co-workers) are demanding and hold me to a very high standard, I respect them a great deal and have learned so much from them. Those high standards have trickled down into my expectations as well, and I've learned that I need to balance those expectations with being an empathetic person, which is a greater challenge than just to demand what one wants.

2) I'm good at what I do. As someone who always had to work really hard at math class, I'm stunned that so much of my life revolves around numbers. I'm still not great at calculating things in my head or recalling facts to the exact degree, but I've found that I'm better at explaining these concepts than I knew. I've done a lot of different things over the last 10 years, and having a wide variety of opportunities has helped me to stay.

3) The flexibility I prize. I've said it before and I'll say it again, being able to work from home one day a week and work adjustable hours has meant the world to me. I know the fear that I might not find the same flexibility elsewhere has held me in place for a while, but I think I'd be able to negotiate that at many other companies today. But it's hard to be a pioneer, and so not having to ask for something so important to me all over again has just been easier.

I know that I'm lucky. I've been well-compensated, and I have great benefits, in addition to the factors I mention above. I never anticipated that I'd be here for 10 years when I started, but it's been a great ride. Here's to all that lies ahead.

Do You Remember?

While filling up Max's water bottle this morning (because Heaven forbid we go without a water bottle these days), I asked him if we wanted ice in it this time, as he told me yesterday that he would like that. He said yes, and then asked me, "How do you remember so much?"

Oh, my child, how do I not remember is the real question.

I am a master at swimming in the details. I am to do lists on paper and in the task bar of my online calendar, organized by date or the general "some day." I am iPhone reminders. I am emails to myself with subject lines like "dry cleaning" and "tissues" and "glucose tabs" and "bus note." I am writing on my hand when it's ultra important and likely to be forgotten. I am remembering the thing many haven't even thought about yet.

It's not about being a mom, or even an adult, it's simply who I am. And while I admit that at times, the details threaten to drown me, most of the time, they keep me happy, safely floating along the surface.

"I remember," I told him, "because you said it'll make you super duper happy to have totally freezing water after recess, and I want to help make you super duper happy if I can. I can't get you everything you might ask for in life, but I can get you some ice cubes." And he smiled and thanked me, and asked for sliced cups of peaches for snack some time, and so I went to the store and got those too.

Ice cubes, and sliced peaches, and kipah clips, and a dessert for a party, and a present for the baby shower, and signing up for fall conferences, and the work project you didn't even ask me for yet, and staying up til you get home, just to spend a few moments together. These are the things I remember.

Open the Tab

I don't even keep the blogger.com tab open anymore. A couple of years ago, it was open all the time. Gmail, Feedly, Facebook, Twitter, Google Calendar, Blogger. Always there, prompting me to write, to look at the stats, to save a draft, to jog my mind. I closed it at some point, probably in a moment of overwhelm, and now, I have to push myself to open it again.

I've been busy actually doing things. In the last few weeks of summer, while the house was in its last stages of renovation and the kids got back to school, I squeezed in so much. Hannah and I went to an Idina Menzel concert, and I videotaped her huge smile as the crowd sang "No Day But Today." Marc and I saw a new musical, "Waitress," with music by Sara Bareilles, and I loved it and think it'll be a hit. On Marc's birthday, we attended a documentary called "Raise the Roof" on re-building a Polish wooden synagogue for a museum. I attended a Brandeis alumni event featuring Anita Hill, interviewing Letty Cottin Pobregin, on faith, race and feminism. I'd been so not-busy not-doing things like this for most of the summer, and this feels more like me again. It's good.

And I have been writing. I wrote something for Marc, that maybe he'll be able to use for an upcoming class he's teaching. I got my answers from last year's 10Q project, and have started writing them for this year (and I found the exercise very insightful and highly recommend it). Writing at work too, though for such a select and small group that it's a shame, because the writing is good. I still think in terms of blog posts; Marissa Mayer's two week maternity leave, Anne-Marie Slaughter's husband on what it means to be the lead parent, why this juggle still frustrates me when the school bus is late. 

Do you want to hear about these things? Does my voice add something meaningful to the discourse? I'm not sure. Maybe it's just hard for me to do less, when I did so much in 2013-14 to make Busy Since Birth an established thing, and now I don't write much. I'm not very good with the middle, I'm an all-or-nothing person. Maybe I need to get comfortable with middle. 

So today, I finally opened the tab again. I know it'll feel good to hit publish. Here's to the middle.