Flexibility Without Fear: A Post for National #FlexDay

The good people at Working Mother have decided that October 15 will be the first ever "National Flex Day" (warning: this link has a video that autoplays), "to uncover and celebrate the power of flex and advocate its use for all employees." Hear, hear!

I've been using a flexible schedule since I went back to work when Hannah was 12 weeks old. I went back to work with an 8 am to 4 pm schedule so that I could pick her up around 5 pm, and get more time with her in the evenings. At another point in my career I did the later shift, working from 9:30 to 5:30. Then I started my work at home Tuesdays. When Marissa Mayer called all Yahoo employees back to the office, I defended flexible work arrangements in The Boston Globe. And when Marc started a new job last year, I went back to working 8 to 4 so I could manage pick up in the evenings.

I've written a lot about flexibility: how my employer gets a more loyal and dedicated employee, how I'm more productive on the days I don't have to commute, how I can take care of small things around the house without losing time at work. I also don't mind doing work during an occasional evening or weekend day, especially when I've been able to take a sick kid to the doctor or make the school play that week because of that flexibility. I'm incredibly grateful to have not only an employer that allows flexibility, but a career that also helps me have it.

But one part of the whole thing that doesn't work for me is the fear that I have in using the flexibility. I'm keenly aware of my schedule, and hate being late to work because I already feel like I'm leaving early (despite having put in a full work day). I hate having to dial in to meetings that wouldn't have required a conference call otherwise. I don't like picking up voicemails, and calling coworkers back from my (strange to them) home phone number. I don't like having to remind people that I'm out every Tuesday, or can't stay for that 4 pm meeting. It's not easy to be flexible when it feels like you're the only one doing it.

Yet the rest of my life wouldn't be possible without the flexibility. I need to pick up my kids each day. I need to fill the gap of time on Tuesdays. I need to be in the office a lot of time too, but I am more than capable of doing a lot of my job remotely. And I need to believe that it's 100% okay for me to do all that, without fear that I'm letting anyone down in some way. Because I'm not. I'm a "flex" success story, and I think in time, there will be more and more people working like me.

What about you? Do you have a flexible work arrangement, or an understanding employer? I'd love to hear your stories!

Breaking the Pattern for Fun

Back in 2010, I wrote a post asking if other people have jam-packed weekends like ours. Of course, not many of you were actually reading this blog back in 2010, so it didn't get a lot of responses, but I've thought back on it often. We seem to have aged out of the crush of little kid birthday parties that used to occupy a big portion of our weekend time, but our weekends still tend to be very busy. There's the usual chores around the house, synagogue time, errands and shopping, but we usually manage to get some fun thrown in there too. Still, this past Saturday felt like a real rarity, as we basically went from one fun activity to another.

The day started early, as Hannah and I went to get our hair blown out at the new Be Styled, which was really fun. Hannah's hair looked amazing, and she said she felt like an American Girl doll. I wasn't as thrilled with my hair this time around, but it was still fun to be together. Then we went home and picked up Marc and Max to head to Brooksby Farm in Peabody to take family photos. This was actually my birthday present to myself this year (my birthday is in a week), and once Max got over some initial nervousness, I think we all had a great time. Hopefully I'll have some great new pictures to share in a couple of weeks. The kids took the reins from there and we went to Friendly's for lunch, followed up by seeing the movie "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2." The kids liked the movie; I liked taking a little nap during it. :)

Saturday night was a rare night out for Marc and me, and we headed to Lowell. We had gotten tickets to see the play "God of Carnage," which was about two couples meeting in the aftermath of their children's fight on the playground. We really liked it, and had a lot to discuss about it with each other afterward. We also had a great dinner and even better drink before the show, which isn't something I do very often.

On Friday night, just before bed, Marc and Hannah admitted that they were both kind of dreading the following day. We were all really tired from the week, and had gone to synagogue that night too. It was late, and the next day's schedule looked like too much. I countered that it was all good things, a day of things we'd all enjoy. They were skeptical. But somehow, the day of fun did end up winning them over. We all had a great day, and it didn't follow any of our usual patterns at all.

Sunday was a bit of a wake up call--we're leaving a lot unaccomplished--but all of it can wait. I'm glad we seized the moment to have fun. And now I'm going to search the calendar for when we can do it again.

The Having It All Project: Michelle Parrinello-Cason

It's another delightful BlogHer13 find! Michelle's academic approach to blogging at Balancing Jane means every post is well-argued from start to finish; a mini-PhD level defense in each piece. I really liked her recent post on the long-term effects of gym class, and love the perspective she brings to so many issues. She also writes at Something’s Developing, a blog about teaching remedial college English. Here's how Michelle is having it all. 

Briefly describe your life and what you think makes it unique.
I don’t know that there’s anything all that unique about any of the individual parts of my life, but I do think that my particular combination of labels puts me into a position to have some unique perspectives.

I am a wife, mother of a toddler, full time community college English instructor, part time PhD student in rhetoric and composition, blogger, feminist, and pop culture lover.

I also grew up in the country but now live in the city, grew up in poverty but am now middle class, and am a liberal living in a conservative state.

I think that my interests and experiences give me an unusual perspective on a range of issues and topics, things I usually try to navigate through a lens of rhetorical analysis (because if you’re going to go to school for 10 years to study something, you might as well use it, right?)

What are some of your favorite tips and strategies for coping with the chaos?
The number one thing that has helped me cope with chaos is to embrace the breakdowns.

For example, I know that the end of every school year is going to be too much to take. I’m finally done with coursework, but for the past several academic semesters, my own final papers in graduate classes have been due simultaneously with hundreds of papers to be graded for my students. The ends of school years are already hectic times (especially the fall semester, which coincides with the chaos of the holidays.) Every year, I had an emotional breakdown, moments of “I can’t do this” and “it’s all falling apart.”

Now I know that it’s going to happen. I even plan for it. I tell myself “you’re freaking out right now, and that’s okay, but you freak out every year, and you’re still here.”

My daughter was born in early December, so that year I had papers to grade, my own paper to finish for the one class I was taking, and a newborn. There was a point where I was wearing her sleeping in a sling while I graded papers without having slept for more than an hour in three days. That was not a fun moment, and if my every day were like that, I wouldn’t make it. But every day isn’t like that, and I have to keep that in mind in the moments that get to be too much.

Please share a moment where it all broke down, and how you got through it.
I went to drop my daughter off at daycare on a routine day, and there was a note on the door. “Sorry. No AC. We’re closed.” They hadn’t called. I was supposed to be in my office in fifteen minutes (at the time I was working in student support services and had a 8-5 while adjuncting a few English classes). I have no family in town. All my friends also work and go to school. My husband was already at work an hour away. I panicked. I had pumped milk in bottles for daycare that she wouldn’t take from me. I had to figure out how to nurse her throughout the day and still figure out how to get enough milk for the next day since I’d have to throw out any milk she didn’t drink within 24 hours.

I ended up taking her to the office with me. I had to teach some classes later that day, and I had to take her to the first one. She was still a baby, and I hoped she would just sleep in her car seat while I lectured, but there was no such luck. She sat on my knee and imitated the sound of my teaching voice with increasing volume. The students loved it.

For my second class (where having her there would have been really disruptive to the day’s plan), a friend of mine drove over an hour to come sit with her.

It was an incredibly stressful day, but I was lucky to have amazing friends and an understanding work environment.

Do you have any balance role models? Anything you try to avoid because it wouldn't work for you?
There are a few women in my graduate program who I greatly admire. They manage to balance motherhood and scholarship with grace and poise, while I always feel like I’ve just stumbled into the room backwards with mashed food in my hair and bags under my eyes. They assure me that their put-togetherness is all just smoke and mirrors, so the lesson I take from them is to just keep faking it and eventually the act will become the reality.

All of my balancing role models have demonstrated the importance of having a strong support system, usually in their partners. I could absolutely not live the life I live without my husband. He is my partner in every sense of the word. We share our responsibilities equally and make all of our decisions together.

Because of that, the one thing that wouldn’t work for me (that I know works for other people) is a split shift where someone is always home with the kids but the partners work different shifts. I need that time every day to see my husband and talk to him about the mundane and the philosophical. It’s where we get the practical plans of our week nailed down, but it’s also where I feel the most loved and remember why all of this work is worth it.

Think back to your 18th birthday. How is your life different from how you expected it to be then?
At 18, the only thing I could think about was getting out of my hometown. I thought I was going to go to school and study biology. I switched to English after my first semester at college. I never would have imagined that I would become an urbanite, and I (being the first in my family to even go to college) had no idea that graduate school was in my future. I didn’t label myself as a feminist at that age (though the principles were already rooted in my mind), and I definitely didn’t know that I would be meeting my husband two months later. (I turned 18 in June and met my husband on the first day of college).

I don’t know that the 18-year-old me would be shocked by any of these developments, though. I knew even then that I wanted my life to change radically from where it was, and I was pretty optimistic and open about how those changes might take place. I couldn’t have predicted it would look like this, but I think that my teenage self would be happy with the results.

Relate to what Michelle is saying? Leave her some love in the comments. Read other posts from The Having It All Project here. Want to participate? Send me an email at havingitallproject@gmail.com.

Dangerous

A little over a week ago, someone read and commented on one of The Having It All Project's posts, saying that she found the post "dangerous." She made claims in her comment that were factually incorrect, so I took the comment down. Since then, she has written a blog post about her views and invited me to comment on it. You can read her post, and see my comment in response below. I wrote so much that I felt I should publish it here, too. She wants to keep the dialogue going, so feel free to comment here or on her site. Here was my response.

I first want to say that you seem to have read just one of the many (over 30) perspectives I’ve posted in The Having It All Project. You might find more in common with Gina, or Rachel, than Jeannette. One of the goals of the Project is to present a variety of viewpoints for how people are managing their lives. Not everything will resonate for everyone.

I’m going to try to respond to many of the thoughts you’ve posted here, as there is a lot to cover. As I said on my site, I don’t disagree with all of your points, but I do not agree with all of them either. Starting from the top…

I agree, I worry about how women have so many expectations placed upon them. But, I think things are evolving, and men have many of the same expectations placed on them too. For many, if not the majority of families, both parents are working. So while you might think it’s dangerous or an unsustainable model, most families don’t have a choice either way. Families, both men and women, need to navigate how to balance work and family life, as well as housework work, and time for friends, hobbies and self care.

Katrina Alcorn’s book is on my nightstand right now, and I’m planning to read it next. The book summary says she also “offers readers a vision for a healthier, happier and more productive way to work and live.” While I haven’t read it yet, it does seem like work is still part of her conclusion, as I said above, it usually *has* to be.

I still would like you to point me to the research that explicitly says being a working mother leads to mental health issues. I haven’t read everything on your research list, but have read and seen some of it, and I don’t think the complete list of research you cite would have led to the same conclusion (particularly the MAKERS documentary, which is filled with women who worked, parented and initiated social change). Yes, some women cope with mental health issues, but so do many women who don’t work at all.

I also disagree that it’s only women who are career-driven, thin and beautiful soccer moms can claim that they’re successful. Since you use yourself as an example, I’m going to use myself too. I am incredibly successful. I’m married to a great guy who helps around the house, with two wonderful children, a fantastic career that gets better every year, a house, two cars, camps and vacations. As my kids have gotten older, I’ve found more time for my hobbies and exercise, and am working on my self. Now, all of that sounds like a horrible brag, which is probably why more women don’t say all that out loud and claim themselves as successes, but I have yet to meet a woman who isn’t doing all she can for the betterment of herself and her family, and that’s *my* definition of success.

The blogosphere is FILLED with women who are taking apart the hard parts of parenting and not just glamorizing it all. My friend Julie writes a blog called “Next Life, No Kids” about how she’d do it all differently next time. Over 100,000 people–no, that’s not a typo–shared Kveller.com’s “We Need to Quit Telling Lies on Facebook” and started a movement to share the less glowing moments of parenting. And Katherine Stone of Postpartum Progress is completely amazing in her advocacy for women’s health and advancement. The Internet is an incredible medium for finding support when you need it, and given the lack of support in families and communities as you mention, I think we’re fortunate to have access to so many resources that can be accessed easily and on your own terms.

Yes, the adjustment to parenting is difficult, and I agree that it would be wonderful if there were more societal supports in place, both in terms of communities and extended family. When my children were born, I was largely on my own as both my parents and in-laws were still in the work force themselves. I’m not sure women in Bangladesh have it all that much better than we do though–40 days isn’t very long either–and what kind of work life balance do they return to after those 40 days are up?

Yes, I agree, we need to keep talking about these things and I’m sorry Jeannette’s post made you feel “threatened.” I find posts like hers inspiring. Your research also refers to Deborah Spar’s new book, which I have yet to read, but I am very turned off by the idea that just because it’s hard to be wonder women, we shouldn’t even try. I am working and parenting and all the rest, and I want to succeed at all of them to the best levels that I can. What’s the alternative? Just to settle for mediocrity? My aim isn’t perfection, and no one’s should be, but I don’t think aiming for better is really all that bad. I think most people are only aiming for better.

You end your post saying no one can understand like other mothers–and I have found lots of other mothers who have supported me in my journey–but I don’t think you would count yourself among them. Calling another mother out as dangerous just isn’t helpful. Both Jeannette and I are living our admittedly very busy lives, but are doing so successfully. I sincerely hope your last sentence, that you don’t have “enough of any one thing that matters,” isn’t true. I hope you have enough money in your life to adequately feed, clothe and shelter your family, and to give back to your community on occasion. I hope you have enough health to enjoy your children and the world around you. I hope you have enough support from your spouse, family and friends. And I hope you have plenty of love, because without that, none of the rest of it is worthwhile. I don’t think anyone truly has it all, but most of us probably do have more than enough.

The Having It All Project: Rachel Glazer

Rachel and I met through our participation in a women's networking group, or at least that's what we call it. It's not so much networking as incredibly supportive working women from all walks of life who get it. We've been meeting since the spring, and it's become one of my favorite things. Here's how Rachel is having it all.

Briefly describe your life and what you think makes it unique.
I am a work-at-home mother of 5 year-old twins living in Needham, MA. I run my own event planning and mission consulting business that I started in 2008 as a result of becoming a mother. I always envisioned myself going back to work full time but when my children arrived, my feelings and plans changed. I wanted to be with my twins, take them to classes and playgroups, and I still do. So for me, the flexibility that comes with working for yourself is extremely important and allows me to have a bit of both the working world and stay-at-home mother world. I am involved in my community, my children's school, our synagogue and various Jewish organizations where I volunteer and help organize events. I am also an avid runner and currently training for my 10th marathon and also running the BAA 1/2 marathon with the Dana Farber Cancer Institute awhile leading Team Ari, a group of 18 of runners united by a love for Ari Goldwasser and his family, and united by a commitment to raise money for Dana Farber so other kids like Ari can be treated and cured. I am constantly seeking the balance between my work, my kids school and their activities and the general day-to-day schedules and to-do lists.

My schedule is unique in that I work during the school hours, then transition into my children's schedules and return to work in the evening. I somehow manage, although not always in a good way, to transition from work mode to children mode several times a day. It has also been very important to me to keep up and stay involved in my extra curriculum activities during motherhood.

What are some of your favorite tips and strategies for coping with the chaos? 
I am a big list maker. I am constantly making to-do lists and have several planners with me at all times. This helps me plan, organize and prioritize what needs to get done hourly, daily, weekly and monthly. The lists serve as a guide for me and helps me plan my days and weeks. I also set aside time to exercise every day. For me, exercise has become a type of therapy and allows me time to think, be alone and release tension and stress.

Please share a moment where it all broke down, and how you got through it. 
I feel that there are moments each day when it all breaks down whether it be with the kids, my work or myself. During these times I try my best to stay calm and if all else fails, I allow for ipad or computer time! But on a more serious note, I let it ride its course. I am learning that no matter how much you plan, things happen. Accidents happen, kids get tired and hungry and plans get changed. I am not someone who deals well with change and chaos but I remember "this too shall pass" and it always does.

Do you have any balance role models? Anything you try to avoid because it wouldn't work for you? 
Until I became a mother, I never knew how much of a 24-7 job it was. The non-stop, ongoing role of mother was not apparent to me until my son and daughter were born. Now I appreciate and admire my own mother more than ever. As a mother of 3, she shuffled us all from school to a million activities for many years. She was a stay-at-home mother but one that was very active and is still active in her community and with various organizations. Somehow she made it all work and was there for her 3 children. The one thing that has become important to me is my career and to keep it moving forward while also raising my children. 

Think back to your 18th birthday. How is your life different from how you expected it to be then? 
When I was 18, the focus was on college life-how to adjust to living away from home, making new friends and having fun. I wanted to be an interior decorator and spend time abroad in Israel. Now 22 years later, I am decorating my children's lives to the best of my ability while trying to advance my career and business. Back then, I would not believe that I would become a mother of twins, running my own business and living the daily routine of a running a family. All of this was so far from my mind and did not relate to me but now I so thankful for all that life has brought me-a wonderful family, community and career.

Relate to what Rachel is saying? Leave her some love in the comments. Read other posts from The Having It All Project here. Want to participate? Send me an email at havingitallproject@gmail.com.

General Busy-ness: September 2013

Can I get a collective sigh of relief that September is over? With the main Jewish holiday season starting on September 4th, and weekly extra things to do until the month ended, well, it was just a lot. I've already told you about the start of school, what it was like to be in The New York Times, and how my first big business trip went. Here's what else we did.

The first month of school and religious school has gone fairly smoothly for both kids. Hannah is very excited about taking clarinet lessons at school this year (she specifically asked me to blog on this very point), to be in the choir both at school and synagogue, and was awarded her classroom's "Citizen of the Week" designation during the second week of school. Fourth grade seems to be a big step up in responsibility, and she's taking it all very seriously. Max is settling into his new routine well, and has fully abandoned pirates for camouflage and secret spy activity. Kindergarten gets off to a very slow start, and he's excited to finally have his first "full" day in the classroom tomorrow. At synagogue, there was a special ceremony welcoming the kindergartners to the community, where he received a tiny Torah that is now a prized possession of his.

Our sukkah

Our holidays were very nice this year. We spent part of Rosh Hashanah with Marc's parents, and part with friends. Yom Kippur was also a bit split as Max had a cold, but we all made it to the end of services and enjoyed breaking the fast with friends. Marc has trained both kids in using the power drill, and our sukkah went up and down this year with minimal involvement from me. :) We held our annual open sukkah party, and it just keeps getting better every year. I had a great time attending a few other sukkah parties, too! But by the Shabbat after Simchat Torah, I was a bit worn out from it all. So we took the day off from synagogue and headed to the Museum of Fine Arts instead, one of my favorite places in Boston.

Work was incredibly busy this past month--it doesn't ever seem to slow down for long anymore. I only made it to Zumba once the entire month, and I'm still struggling with the exercise component of my life. But, I am making an effort to pack my lunch at least a few days a week. I bought a nice container that fits in my bag well, and am focused on bringing healthy things that I can pack with as little effort as possible. I find I'm really enjoying eating my lunches from home, as I'm pretty tired of everything around my office as it's been almost eight years working in the same location. If you've got any suggestions for making this even easier, I'd love to hear them!

Veggies with hummus and feta. One container, no waste, minimal prep involved.

I'm looking forward to October. It's my birthday month, fall is my favorite season, and there's a lot of fun but low key activities already on the calendar. I'm very excited to be taking professional family photos this month. I've wanted to do this for a while now, and Hannah and I had a fun shopping trip looking for our outfits for the photos. Although I'm not really sure I can top how much I love this photo below.

Stacking Stobers

So how was your month? What are you looking forward to this fall?

Teaspoons of Pureed Peas and Doubt

I was thrilled just to make it out of the house. Hannah was five months old, the weather was lovely on that weekend afternoon, and we were headed to a friend's 30th birthday party. It was a casual, kid-friendly event at our friend's home, and I was excited to be doing something social. 

But knowing me, I was probably preoccupied with the logistics too. Managing the feeding, changing, and napping of this new little life while also figuring out how to be social? All of it was still a relatively new challenge to my 26 year old self. Those challenges didn't mean I'd rather stay home and skip the party--that's never been my way--but I was probably a bit nervous and fragile. 

I found myself seated on the couch with another new mom, her son right around Hannah's age. Since we knew nothing else of each other, we started in on the baby talk, and I fought that lump beginning to form in my throat, sensing early in the conversation that this was likely not to go well. She brought up starting the babies on solid foods, and then she went for the clincher: she asked how many teaspoons of food Hannah was eating each day. 

I didn't know the answer.

I looked searchingly at my husband, and he didn't know either. I started fumbling, saying that Hannah goes to daycare, and I don't know exactly how much she eats while there, and was given a long response back about how this mother carefully estimated every ounce of breast milk and spoonful of rice cereal. My mind raced as I stared at the happy infant in my lap, gumming a teething toy. Was I even supposed to be tracking things to that kind of detail? Her pediatrician never mentioned it. None of the constant babycenter.com emails I carefully scrutinized said so. Should I ask her daycare provider to count each spoonful? What about the times she didn't swallow all of it, and let half run down her chin instead? Did those count?

I want to be clear on this point: the other mother wasn't trying to be judgmental about how I was feeding my child or anything else. But I felt filled with doubt. Was I doing the right thing by sending Hannah to daycare so I could work? What would happen if I wasn’t there to count every spoonful of baby food? As a young parent, so much is new to you. Every decision feels momentous because you don’t know which ones will matter. It’s disorienting experience, and you begin to mistrust what once might have seemed like common sense.

It's been almost a decade since that conversation, and I still remember how I felt in that moment. In response to my New York Times Motherlode column, a commenter named Alex posted, "Very good piece. At the same time, it is a sad state of affairs that in 2013 women still feel the need to justify their choices. Work or stay at home, the kids will be all right. The most important thing is to have happy, self-fulfilled parents and/or caregivers modeling the behaviors and socio-emotional skills needed to be successful in life. Whatever your choice, own it, be proud of it and never look back." But despite generally being proud of my choices, they're still difficult to fully own and never question, even things like counting teaspoons.

Yes, earlier generations of working mothers paved the way for women like me to be able to make choices. But having more choices doesn't make it absolutely easier to be a new mother, nor do I expect any degree of social change to provide women with all of the support and clarity they need to stop second-guessing themselves. We’re parents, and we’re going to worry about whether we’re doing the right thing by our children. That’s true whether it’s 2004 or 2013, and it will still be true when Hannah is old enough to be a mother herself.

There are moments like this sprinkled throughout my parenting past. I'm still figuring out the emotional side to parenting. Not everything is a cut-and-dry, yes-or-no situation, nor are our responses to them. After all, thinking critically about the choices I make, and seeing what I can learn from those choices, is exactly the type of skill I hope to be modeling for my children. I own my choices by examining them closely, like when I concluded that knowing Hannah's teaspoon intake wasn't critical for this particular child at that point in her life. That conclusion came at the cost of a ruined weekend, though.

So I write about the doubt and the hard choices. Because maybe someone out there went to a birthday party with their new baby this weekend, and left feeling stung. Maybe knowing that someone else had doubts, LOTS of doubts, somehow still made it through, helps them to make it through, too.