Of Course I Read the Comments.

No, I couldn't take the advice everyone offered before my piece in the NYT Motherlode blog went live. I'm just not that strong--I had to know what people were saying about it. Honestly, I really wanted to know what they were saying, because if I was a huge failure in the eyes of the comments section, I'd want the opportunity to think about why that might be so.

As of this writing, 115 comments have been posted, though a fair number of them are in response to other comments. At first, some of them were hurtful, which I expected. I even got the "Why do people like this have children in the first place if all they're going to do is give them to surrogate parents to raise?" (and mentally replied "dingdingdingdingding we have the winner!" as I had most anticipated this reaction). But some do pose valid questions, some of which I will attempt to answer in future posts.

I'm tremendously grateful for the opportunity to share some of my story on such a large scale. Those of you who know me personally, or have known me online for long enough that you understood the post and where I'm coming from, I genuinely appreciate the article shares, comments and support. I look forward to continuing to explore these issues with all of you.

Welcome, NYT Motherlode Readers!

Thanks for stopping by! I hope you enjoyed my column, "With Kindergarten Started, She Can Say It: I Work." I'm really excited you're here.

I'd love to keep the conversation going. You can follow me on Twitter, join our community on Facebook, or subscribe to posts via email by filling out the box a bit further down and to the right.

Be sure to check back here every Friday for a new edition of The Having It All Project. Want to catch up on earlier entries? Check out the photo album of past participants.

And if you're wondering how Max did on his first day of school? Well, it was great. Keep scrolling down for more details.

Again, thanks for reading!

The Having It All Project: Sarah Sardinsky

I met Sarah when we were both in the fifth grade at Orchard Middle School, where she relieved me of my "new girl" status that I'd had for only a few weeks when she joined my class. We were fast friends back then, and I'm proud to still call her a friend now. Here's how Sarah is having it all.

Briefly describe your life and what you think makes it unique.
I guess I look at myself as somewhat ordinary with an extraordinary job that I am blessed to get to do each day for a company that I love. 

I grew up part of a fantastic family; loving, supportive and all around wonderful.  I participated in all kinds of fantastic high-school activities and was lucky enough to get to attend my dream college, The Cornell University Hotel School. I had this silly notion that I was going to be the next Michael Eisner. If he could run The Walt Disney Co., Why couldn’t I do it? 

Well, sometimes we make our own “Disney,” and mine is Marriott International. Thirteen years later, I still love all that Marriott stands for; “We take care of our associates so that they take care of our guests.” There is a solid reason that we are global hospitality leaders, and I am honored to be a part of the company.
For the past ten years I have planned some incredible events, hundreds of weddings, conventions, film shoots – “Smoking Aces” & “Las Vegas,” and had the honor of planning the Birthday Party – Mohammed Ali, “The Greatest,” during President Obama’s 2009 Presidential Inauguration. 

In 2011, I had the opportunity to be part of the Marriott Headquarters Team to lead the largest Information Technology roll-out in the companies past 60 years.  Since then, I have been traveling the country supporting our hotels during their launch in using our new sales, inventory and event management solutions system.
From NYC to Boston > Atlanta to Orlando > Dallas to Detroit > Phoenix to San Francisco > Seattle to Maui…I have had this fantastical opportunity that I never thought possible. I am constantly trying to grab each experience every week as they happen!

What are some of your favorite tips and strategies for coping with the chaos?

• "Be grateful for each moment we have and be happy – but more than anything live it fully." – Valerie Harper.
• Life never throws you what you expect. I have found that it’s easier to cope when I can smile and be grateful. What’s the alternative? Be thankful that you even have the experience.
• My 1^st boss with Marriott told me once when I was completely overwhelmed and emotional, “Sarah, I don’t pay you enough to get this upset. You are great at what you do, so just take a deep breath.”
• I find myself using this advice each day, and I pass in onto my hotels each week.  Change can be overwhelming, and not many of us get paid in dollars what we are truly worth, so it’s not worth getting overly upset about any situation.  Everything works out in the end the way that it was intended to.
• Always sleep on it.
• I am a very passionate person, and feel very deeply. I know that I tend to overreact immediately after a situation happens.  So, I have learned that I always need to sleep on it before I make a big decision, or react to a challenge. That situation never seems as bad the next day. Then I am able to make a more level-headed decision.
• I am a List-Maker! Pretty self-explanatory. My dad taught me during high school, to keep a list and be organized. This has helped me immensely in my academics and professional career. When I can see it on paper, I can visualize it getting done.
• Be Kind to One Another - You never know what another person is going through. Be kind to one each other, it will be returned to you.
• A Glass of Wine Always Helps! 
  

Please share a moment where it all broke down, and how you got through it.

That’s Funny! I can’t target one particular moment or situation, but my coping methods are always the same:

1.      My friends – I have a fantastic core group of friends that are always there to listen and talk me off the ledge.

2.      My family – Simply couldn’t get through life without them!

3.      Never being too proud to ask for help. – If I have bitten off more than I can chew, I always ask for help. I think that people sometimes mistakenly think asking for help as a weakness. I don’t. I look at it the opposite, that I am a confident enough person to ask for help when it is necessary.

Do you have any balance role models? Anything you try to avoid because it wouldn't work for you?

My Parents have always been my role models – in every way. They are both strong, smart, hard-working, loving, kind, supportive people.  My sister and I did a ton of extra-curricular activities growing up; competitive swimming & dancing, played instruments, participated in show choir, musicals, and a bunch more. My parents both worked full-time and always took us to and from our activities, never missed a piano performance, dance recital or swim meet.  Each time I start to feel myself losing balance, I think, “What would my mom do? How would my dad handle this situation?”  

As I have gotten older, I have realized that Always Saying Yes does not work for me. At one point in my life, I would never say No.  This does not work for me, and it took a lot of personal growth for me to not look at this as a failure, but being more productive and available to those I did say Yes to. 

Think back to your 18th birthday. How is your life different from how you expected it to be then? 
That’s the funny thing about expectations, they don’t normally turn out the way you envision them.  On my 18^th birthday, I don’t know if I knew how to dream to achieve what I am living now. Did I think that I would see myself a 35 year old, single, career-focused woman, probably not. It amazes me each day as I wake up that I am living this crazy fun life.  Each day may not be perfect, that’s to be expected, but each day a door closes, another opens and I walk through to the next experience. 

I have always lived by the following statement, There is more road ahead of me to experience and conquer than there is behind me.  So I lift my chin and move forward with a grateful smile on my face. 

I cannot wait to see what life has in store for me next! 

Relate to what Sarah is saying? Leave her some love in the comments. Read other posts from The Having It All Project here. Want to participate? Send me an email at havingitallproject@gmail.com.

Working (Mom) Moment: Breakfast Dishes

Linking up with Heather of The Extraordinary Ordinary and her Just Write Project, its 100th installment!

I'm not home on many weekday mornings anymore, since I leave the house for work so early now. Usually, I'm out the door by 7 am at the latest. Most mornings, the kids are barely even out of bed by then, much less dressed, so it's a treat to see their fully-dressed, eating breakfast selves on this Tuesday morning, Hannah's first day of school.

I used to enjoy this bit of time, I know now that I no longer have it. Yes, I used to be stressed and rushed in the morning, but now that it's not my routine, I found myself enjoying the tasks before me at that 7 am hour. First, empty the drying rack of hand-washed dishes. The heavy, wooden, square cutting board usually gets put away first--it's used in preparing almost every meal around here. The sharp, long knives that fit in the just-right spots in the knife block. The pots and pans and then on to the dishwasher itself, racing to finish emptying it before the kids finish their cereal and the newly dirty dishes should be loaded again. Only I am aware of the race against them though, and usually I win.

---

"Enjoy your last day of freedom," Hannah says to her little brother, who won't start kindergarten for ONE. MORE. DAY. He doesn't get it, and I don't bother to explain. I ask her if her life is really that bad, is school really that hard, and she admits that she knows it's not, but she can't help dispensing her cautionary tales. She is excited, all rainbow loom bracelets and Converse and neon, to see her friends and have the teacher who is "really nice." She packs her water bottle and her snack, which pleases me because I worry when I'm not there to do it for her. I know there are days when she forgot them last year, and she survived, but my working mother guilt persisted too. No lunch to pack today because of course the "first day" of school is our usual early release Tuesday, and she will be home before I can catch my breath.


---

The scene repeats almost verbatim on Wednesday morning. Again, I am grateful to be home with them for this first day of kindergarten. Again, I'm unloading the dishwasher and realizing that it is foolish for me to stay home late on Monday morning to watch Max get on the school bus for the first time. I will get to see him on Tuesday, do the same exact act, just for the second time. I know I don't need to be there, but my heart still hurts over it. I have already cried this morning, looking at the pictures from Hannah's first day of kindergarten four years earlier, when one year old Max wore his then-favorite train shirt. How is it really his turn to go? This time, the kids are smarter, and ask for breakfast from Starbucks as a treat. We say no, that the morning is busy enough, and so I have won the race again and am waiting for their cereal bowls. Neither kid is very hungry this morning--it's too exciting--and I run the disposal after putting the bowls in the farthest lane of the top rack of the dishwasher, which has just been emptied from an extra run after Marc had prepared Rosh Hashanah items for our holiday dinner taking place that night.

Max is ready. He has been ready for years.  I am ready, too.

I come home after drop off, and a few hours later I tackle the remaining dishes, needing to run the dishwasher one more time before the holiday dinner. I scrub potato peels off the counter, sweep flour off the floor.

There is no race this time, just the constancy of washing dishes, even on the days that make you cry.

The Having It All Project: Danielle Barnsley-Cervo

I can't remember which session it was when I first met Danielle at BlogHer, but we kept bumping into each other at more sessions after that. Clearly, we had similar ideas on what we wanted to get out of the conference, and so I figured we could become friends. I had no idea what a tough, resilient woman she was until I got home and started reading more of her story. Danielle maintains two blogs, and I recommend you check them both out. Here's how Danielle is having it all. 

Briefly describe your life and what you think makes it unique.
I'm a work at home mom who has three children, one of whom was relinquished in a forced adoption when I was 18 years old. When I'm not wrangling the kids, I'm writing content for adoption.com, maintaining my two personal blogs, and writing my novel. This is a new venture for me, as I used to work part time in customer service, and had been in that industry for years. This was an adventure that I was dedicated to taking, where I put my writing, and my dreams in the front seat with me, rather than in the trunk of the car, waiting for the right time. Now is always the right time. 

What are some of your favorite tips and strategies for coping with the chaos?

Make time for you. Always make sure that you are taking care of yourself because if you lose yourself, which I have in the past, it makes it hard to juggle all the different balls that come with motherhood, and career. It's easy to think that we can have it all, but it comes with sacrifice and hard work, and the realization that sometimes you won't get it all. 

Please share a moment where it all broke down, and how you got through it.

Last year, in June, I was in the middle of a personal crisis of sorts. I'd been dealing with a lot of stress at work, at home, and also dealing with my mental health through therapy but was avoiding medication. I was on a back country road, and I had a plan to end my life because I was so overwhelmed with all of the chaos that was surrounding me. It really felt like it was the only option. I spent hours watching the sunset, and planning what I would do. As I was doing this, my loved ones were frantically attempting to reach me. Do you know when you are so far gone from reality where it seems like everyone else is moving in slow motion and you are invisible to them? That's how I felt in that moment, like I could reasonably disappear and no one would notice, care or mourn. 

It was my best friend who got into the proverbial water with me, and told me that I had to be the one to make the changes. I had to be the one to pull myself out, that I could only get so much help from others before it was on me to take control of this life and make it mine. She talked me through the drive home, and has been a huge support for me on this journey of healing and getting better. 

It was a hard situation to comeback from. Realizing that there were still many demons in my life to overcome, knowing that I still couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, and understanding that I did have more of a choice in managing the chaos than I originally thought. 

Do you have any balance role models? Anything you try to avoid because it wouldn't work for you?

I don't think I do, honestly. I learn from my own errors, and know what my limits are. I take one day at a time, one crisis at a time, and know that it's okay to say you are having a bad day. As well, knowing that the next day will bring new opportunities and new perspective. 

Think back to your 18th birthday. How is your life different from how you expected it to be then?

When I was 18, I was a much different girl, with much different goals. I'd like to think she'd be happy with the way I have lived my life, but I know that she'd have much sadness for the choices she'd made then, and the lifelong impact that they have on my life now. Where I thought I would be career wise, and the like is much different than where I am in actuality. I'm okay with the detour my life has taken and even though it's not what I imagined it's still pretty great. 

Note from Cheryl: If you're having a hard time, there are many resources to help you remember that you matter. Visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Relate to what Danielle is saying? Leave her some love in the comments. Read other posts from The Having It All Project here. Want to participate? Send me an email at havingitallproject@gmail.com.

Book Review: "The Orange Line: A Woman's Guide to Integrating Career, Family and Life"

Disclosure: I received a free copy of the book reviewed below. All opinions are my own.

In June I attended a panel discussion on "Lean In" where I met Jodi Ecker Detjen, who told me about a book she and two colleagues had just written, "The Orange Line: A Woman's Guide to Integrating Career, Family and Life." Jodi asked if I might review it on Busy Since Birth, and it took until now to find enough hours for me to string the time together to do so, but I'm really glad that I did.

The book came out two months after "Lean In," and even includes a reference to Sandberg's idea that women should not "leave before they leave," but other than that, I thought "The Orange Line" was a much better read and left me with more concrete advice, rather than a feeling of unease.

"The Orange Line" refers to Detjen, Waters and Watson's idea that there is a life to be lived where work and family can take on equal importance (as opposed to a career-dominant Green Line and a family-dominant Red Line). The book explains this concept and follows it up with a discussion of "The Feminine Filter," ideas that come together to create the ideal woman. This filter influences the decisions women make as they strive to "do it all, look good and be nice." Trying to maintain this ideal can cause women to sabotage their lives through self-sacrifice, lowered career expectations, and the avoidance of asking for what they need. The authors used both interviews and extensive research to see the filter at work, and then applied their re-framing techniques to various career phases: the "Green Start," Approaching Burnout, Family Matters, The Sabbatical, and Re-entry.

The book is designed so that you can read the chapter that is most applicable to your current career, but I read them all. For me, I didn't have too long in "The Green Start" phase, so I think I've had to combine that with the "Family Matters" section. I know there have been moments when I've approached burnout, too. The Sabbatical section had information I found relevant to my blogging pursuits, and the Re-entry was interesting for anyone who is looking for a new job, not just those who have been away from work for a while.

I found myself highlighting many different sections of the book as I read, particularly portions dealing with the need for perfection. I need to work on being comfortable with imperfection, and to work at noticing parts of my life where I might avoid risks to maintain the look of perfection. I liked the anecdotes from the different interviewees, but was disappointed by the lack of women in finance. I also thought that the context of some of the women's roles might have been helpful (multi-national corporation, law firm, non-profit, etc.). The book's format is repetitive, but if you read only the relevant sections, you risk missing out on specific examples that can resonate.

While I understand marketing the book towards women in order to differentiate it from other career books, I do think it had a lot of valuable advice for men as well, especially men who strive to live more balanced lives including time for their families. I think many men now feel pressure to excel in their careers but also find time to balance family responsibilities, and it's creating a need for perfection in their lives too. I think men also need the advice about starting second, or mid-life careers, and I hope they're not dissuaded from reading the book because of all of the feminine messaging.

The book reminded me of a time a few years ago, when we had to make a really tough daycare decision for Hannah. I still think back on that time and how hard the decision was. Had I had a few of the tools from The Orange Line, I might have been able to see more of the filters at play in my decision-making process, and maybe it wouldn't have been as difficult. I'll certainly be taking steps to embrace more of this thinking, particularly on my need for perfection and to ask for what I'm worth, in my life and career going-forward.

General Busy-ness: August 2013

In our last installment, I was about to leave for BlogHer. Thankfully, that's been well-covered here, so let's move on to some of the non-blogging news of the past month.

First there was a bit of excitement at work as we hit the billion dollar mark in our newer product, which I've been involved in since the very beginning. It's been really thrilling to see it take off the way it has, and I'm proud to be part of it. Now on to the next billion.

We joined the JCC outdoor pool for the month of August, and I tried to take the kids swimming as often as I could. Hannah is a strong swimmer, but Max is still a beginner, so I spent a lot of time at his side in the water. However, he now can back float unassisted, and I got them to pose for this picture for me.

Both kids really enjoyed their time at Kaleidoscope Arts & Sciences Camp this summer, particularly Arts Nite. It was so fun to see Max participate for the first time (as a Bass Fish in "Rainbow Fish") and Hannah really entertained us as a sailor, sea creature, chef and princess in "The Little Mermaid." I was so proud of both of them.

Arts Nite also marked my first outing with my new camera! I've been wanting a DSLR for quite a while now, and I'm excited to learn to use it. Already I've gotten some great shots that I know I wouldn't have gotten with my old camera, including this one of Max's first lost tooth after an exciting morning riding the Duck Boats in Boston.

After camp ended the kids got to spend a fun few days in Connecticut with Grandma Fillis and Grandpa John while Marc and I worked and enjoyed a couple of fancy dinners out. No pictures as we were too busy enjoying ourselves. :)

It wasn't too long before Max lost his second tooth, but this time it was at Grandma Susan and Grandpa Hal's house, where the Tooth Fairy has been known to be a bit more generous. The kids and I had a great trip to Ohio, including a trip to President Garfield's home where the kids became Junior Park Rangers, and a stop at Chagrin Falls for some Superman ice cream (Uncle Ryan's favorite).

And with one last long weekend, summer is coming to a close. Hannah starts fourth grade on Tuesday, and Max starts KINDERGARTEN on Wednesday. What's that you say? You can hear my excitement right through the screen? Could that be because I have a column about just this subject coming out in the NEW YORK TIMES MOTHERLODE BLOG next Sunday?!? Yes, after dropping a hint last month that I had something up my sleeve, I'm so excited to finally be able to share this news. I hope you'll all forgive me for the excess self-promotion next week, but this is just such a big deal for me and this little writing hobby. When I started the year hoping for "more," I could never have guessed that it would come in this form, and I am very grateful.

Another summer gone too soon, but there's always more to look forward to doing. For those celebrating this week, l'shana tova umetukah! Happy new year to all of you! Wishing you all the best in 5774.