Saturday, December 13, 2014

The Girl She Used To Be

I've lost big chunks of this past week to Hannah's fifth grade play. I've been organizing the ticket distribution, plus I attended a rehearsal, and I helped her figure out another portion of her costume and her make up. It was the make up, though, that made me cry.

We did a trial run on Thursday night, and, well, she hated it. I've never put make up on another person before, and my skills were less than perfect. I'm terrible at eye make up--I never wear it myself. We bought brighter colors than one would normally wear, which will work well on stage, but were kind of scary looking in our living room. She'd never worn make up like this before, and it was overwhelming.

I thought she was beautiful.

This year of fifth grade, the last one spent in elementary school, has been going so, so fast. I can't believe the play is almost over, this giant thing she's been looking forward to participating in for so many years. I know there will be more plays, more amazing things ahead, but this is the one that she (and I) have looked towards for the longest time, and there will never be another like that.

I remember the first make up kit she was given, on one of our visits to Cleveland. It was junky kids make up, but after so many mornings sitting on the edge of my bed, handing me various tubes and compacts during my five minute make up routine, she was so excited to have something of her own. She loved that the blush brush was as soft as mine. She took such care in applying all of it.

Three year old Hannah, March 2007
I reapplied her make up on Friday morning, before the dress rehearsal. I had to get to work early, and was already sad to be missing the dress rehearsal. I'll be there for all the other performances, and I know I'm not missing much, but the missing feels more acute now. I already feel the window closing on her childhood, and I'm missing my little girl. Nearly 11 year old Hannah is truly fabulous, and I wouldn't want to go back to her being three and miss out on anything that's happening now. But as I walked to the train that morning, I flashed back to that little girl, who used to sit at her Little Mermaid vanity and dream of wearing make up. Yes, she's mostly wearing it for the stage now, but wow, that all happened so fast.