34 (A New Diagnosis)

I turned 34 last week. Thirty-four isn't worth a lot of fanfare, but it was a pretty nice birthday. I got some wonderful gifts this year, all things I wanted, nothing I truly needed. I recognize how very fortunate I am to be in that position, to be able to get things off of the "it would be nice to have..." list. Despite us being very well off, I'm not very good at doing or buying the things I need just for me, especially the extras. But this year, I felt I really need to treat myself well.

It's not something I talk about much, but I was diagnosed with Type II diabetes at 24. Over the years I've tried a few different medications, and was on insulin throughout both of my pregnancies. I am by no means a good patient. I always take my meds, but I haven't always been very careful about what I eat, and I don't test my glucose levels as often as I could. Many days, other than when I was pregnant, I didn't give it a lot of thought. When I did try to be "good," I'd often have a middle of the night awful episode of low blood sugar. Plus it's not like I haven't had other medical issues that took up more of my time - not being able to walk trumps glucose levels (which were actually very good during that time, since I wasn't able to get myself food very easily).

A couple of weeks ago, I had a new blood test done, and it revealed that instead of Type II I have what's referred to as Type 1.5, or latent autoimmune diabetes of adults (LADA). I'm not an expert, but basically it means that my pancreas doesn't work. As the link above says, "simply stated, autoimmune disorders, including LADA, are an "allergy to self.”" For years, I have blamed myself for not trying hard enough, not having enough will power, to just eat better, exercise more, and make the diabetes go away. I always thought that when Max turned three, I'd make my efforts to get better (and I have, with this whole gym thing). Now my doctor has said I can stop beating myself up, that's it's not going to happen.

It's been pretty devastating news to receive. I know there are many, many worse things that can happen in life, that this is just a tweak to what I already knew, but it's still hard to hear "this is forever" rather than hold that hope alive that it wasn't for the rest of my life. I just always assumed that some day I'd be done with this.

So I've had the last few weeks to process this information and get ready for the next phase of tackling it. Later this week I'll be getting a continuous glucose monitor to use in tracking my blood sugar levels at all times. It requires inserting something under the skin of my stomach, and I'll be wearing a device that resembles a pager to track it all. It's actually a really cool technology, and should help give me better information to modulate my medications as needed. And it comes in a purple case, so you can't beat that. I'm doing insulin shots with meals in addition to my long-acting nighttime insulin, and depending on how things go with the monitor, I will consider the possibility of adding an insulin pump. But one thing at a time - this one change is overwhelming enough. But as my friend Stephanie said, today it seems like a mountain. Soon, it will just seem like a blip on the radar.

Did I need some treats to make me feel better as I faced this? Absolutely. Was it better to buy a new watch than eat an extra slice of birthday cake? Definitely.

It's funny, but you (or at least I) look back at your life and see the blessings and challenges that each year held: first full time job at 22, married at 24, baby #1 at 26, finished graduate degree at 28, baby #2 at 30, back surgery at 32. Thirty-four is starting off this way. Hopefully, I'll be able to look back and see that this wasn't the defining moment, even if it feels that way now.

Catching Up and Slowing Down

Well, my faithful handful of readers, I only managed to blog twice last month, so this is one of my catch up posts. September was a difficult, ass-kicking month for me. It seemed everything needed doing and usually at the same time.

The kids went back to school and all is going well so far. Hannah likes her teachers and is keeping up with all of the new homework demands this year. Most of her homework is done on the computer, which can be a bit complicated because she doesn't have much computer knowledge yet (lots of "Help, I clicked the wrong thing!"), but she's doing a good job with it. She started piano lessons, and is taking swim lessons instead of karate for now. Hebrew school is also two days a week now, often with its own homework component too. Max is happy in Room K Koalas, and we're hearing more and more about how he's spending his days. He got to be Shabbat Helper last week, which is always a highlight for him, and seems intrigued by their new class pets: a bunch of worms that they'll follow through the year.

Work has been incredibly busy, but we were excited to see our new fund launch at the end of September. We have had an institutional product for a long time, but this is our team's first foray into the retail market, and it's very exciting. It's been very interesting to see all that goes into a fund launch, since I've never been on that side before, and a challenge to add all of that on to my normal responsibilities.

We're also in the middle of the month of Jewish holidays that come every fall. We spent Rosh Hashanah in Newton, with Marc cooking two really nice meals, and we had a great time on the second day with the Weitzman family. After a chaotic day we made it to Hartford to spend Yom Kippur with Marc's family, and while it wasn't the smoothest trip, we had a great time being together. We put up our sukkah last weekend and are looking forward to having lots of people over to join us in it this Saturday afternoon.

After going weekly for the past couple of months, I am no longer going to physical therapy and have resumed going to the gym and working out on my own. My therapist was able to quantify my improvement, and I'm no longer as scared of hurting myself when moving my body. I even made it to the gym three times in a week once, which was my goal when I started working out in March (though I haven't done it again, 2x a week seems like the most I can do right now). It's getting easier, and I'm hoping to stick with it.

And in the midst of all this, there's been lots more. A couple of birthday parties, plus celebrating Marc's birthday one Shabbat evening. The annual Temple Emanuel BBQ. Back to school nights. Apple picking at Tougas Farm. Touch-a-Truck. The Lion King in 3D. Yo Gabba Gabba Live in Concert. Dinner out with Room K parents. Taking both kids to the dentist. Thankfully, this all didn't happen on the same day, though sometimes, it felt like it did.

But I did manage to carve out some downtime in the last few weeks, if you can believe it, and I realized that I'm really no good with downtime. With too much of it, I get depressed and anxious, or all wound up trying to figure out plans for next summer. It's just easier to always be doing something.

Which is probably why I have three parties on the calendar for this Sunday.

So what have you been up to?

Yea, I Kinda "Know How She Does It"

SPOILER ALERT: This contains some details from the movie, including the ending. If you don't want to know, don't read on!

This weekend the movie version of the book "I Don't Know How She Does It," by Allison Pearson, was released, starring Sarah Jessica Parker. The film depicted SJP as a married financial analyst living in Boston with a young daughter and son, and her struggles to keep up with all of the demands (sometimes self-imposed) that those roles entail.

Gee, I just don't have any clue at all *how* she does it.

Or as my friend Jenny said, perhaps I was the inspiration for it all.

But no, the book came out in 2002 - two years before Hannah was born. It appears that I read the book then too, since I own the hardcover copy, and had started my MBA in January of 2003 (and got pregnant in May of 2003), so chances are I wasn't reading anything for pleasure at that time.

I remember reading it, and being a bit scared about how I would some day balance it all myself. The book takes place in London, and harried doesn't begin to describe lead character Kate Reddy's existence. There is never enough time for her marriage, she frets about not knowing the extensive details of her children's lives, has a complicated relationship with her nanny, and fights to be taken seriously in the office. Each chapter ends with her list of things to remember, which keep her up late at night.

But without yet having children myself, well, I couldn't possibly know just how much I would come to identify with Kate. Keeping track of the treasured comfort item, planning birthday parties, Power Point slides on daily average liquidity, kids obsessed with Mary Poppins - none of that had happened to me yet. But boy, has it happened. In an episode of the book I'd forgotten, Kate's daughter pushes her to read the book "Little Miss Busy" to her one evening at bedtime, and that book influenced my chat screen name being LilMisBusy when Marc and I met back in 1999, it's a theme I've kept up with for a long time now, and must have laughed at reading it at the time.

Having the movie set in Boston took all of the coincidences to another level. Of course there were many landmarks I recognized (and I think the entire audience snickered at the very fake "Boston Children's Hospital" edifice), though we never once saw SJP descend into the T on those stiletto heels. Near the start of the movie, her toddler son crawls in bed with her in the morning, and she sings "I Love You, a Bushel and a Peck" to him, and that was sung to me, and I have often sung it to Hannah and Max. Before the movie began, I had discussed a recent work issue with Stephanie, and an incredibly similar one was mentioned in the film. So yea, it was a lot like my own life, but with fewer high heels, and bosses who look nothing like Pierce Brosnan (sorry, guys).

So being a book and a movie, neat and tidy endings are required. In the book, Kate eventually quits her job, sells her house in the city, and spends a lot more time with her husband and kids, but shows an inkling towards going back to work in some capacity. In the movie (and perhaps owing to today's economic realities), Kate keeps her job but seems to get a bit more flexibility after having a major office success. She basically admits that life will always be crazy, but says she'll try harder to slow down.

With so many similarities, I can't help but compare where I'm at with the book and film. I may be kidding myself, but I don't think my life is as chaotic as Kate's, particularly because I don't have to travel for my job. I did get the flexibility I needed this year with my one day a week working at home, and it has had a profound impact on my stress level. As the kids are getting a little older, some things are easier. And I recognize how fortunate we are that we're not dealing with some of the major issues that affect so many and can completely derail what you had expected out of life. But at times I am truly overwhelmed and feel like I'm drowning.

And yet there are entire spheres of life that I just don't handle. Marc is completely responsible for all things car and landscaping-related. Anything needing fixing or building is also his domain. I am house-blind to a certain degree as well. If you calculate the number of drop-offs and pick-ups as 10 per week per kid, Marc generally does 13 out of 20. He is largely responsible for all food-related activities too, and the list goes on. So in my mind, that's not me "doing it all." That's having a very committed partner who makes it possible to do the rest of it. Hopefully he'd say the same about me.

But I do feel like I successfully juggle an awful lot of things, and manage to keep my husband, children, extended family and bosses reasonably happy with the job I do. Often, I'm happy with multiple pieces of the juggle at the same time! Every day is different, and there are some days where "doing it all" works out a lot better than others, but I'm not sure I could do it any other way. I know that giving up any of the pieces wouldn't make me a better person. So the challenge in life continues to be adding more pieces to the puzzle - time to exercise, more time with friends, even more time writing here - while still keeping the other pieces together.

Does anyone have a book on that?

Thoughts on the Tenth Anniversary of 9/11/01

I wasn't there, and I have no delusions that my perspective on today is worth anything to anyone but myself. So please feel free to skip this post if you're avoiding this topic today. I get it, and part of me is avoiding it too.

But I felt compelled to write something today, and I'm ignoring the challah crumbs all over the floor of my house to find a few minutes and write this. I can't believe it's been 10 years. In the days after I can actually remember thinking about what the tenth anniversary of this tragedy would be like. Would that compulsion to help others, and the pride everyone exhibited toward our country, still be such a prominent part of life? I doubted it, and unfortunately, I think I was right about that.

I've written before about my experiences that day, and reading many others stories in the last few weeks has crystallized a few things for me. The fact that strikes me first is that I'm still very much in love with Marc. I remember how angry at him I was that day when we were all walking home from work and I couldn't find him. Clearly, I wouldn't have been that angry if I didn't love him that much, and I know that ten years later, I would still feel just as angry.

I've been thinking about the day in the context of my children too. Max is still too young, but we've had some preliminary conversations with Hannah on the topic. But then I'm reminded how young she is too - almost eight, yet still innocent about so many things. You try to bring the threads together. She knows soldiers fight in Afghanistan, but she doesn't really know why. She knows people died, but she doesn't know why I put our flag up on the house today. I read somewhere that you should tell children that "some people did a bad thing," instead of saying they were "bad guys." I'm struggling about how to explain it all to her, so instead we left it open - if you hear something, or have a question, feel free to ask us. I'm trying to limit the discussion to only what she wants to know.

Today we're spending a lot of time at our synagogue. Before the start of religious school this morning, a ceremony was held outdoors, the shofar sounded, the Kaddish recited. This afternoon we'll be having our annual community BBQ, an event I've helped organize for the last few years. The Shabbat after 9/11 Marc and I visited a new synagogue for the first time, where a friend had gotten us tickets to spend the upcoming High Holidays. It wasn't the right place for us, but it was still comforting to be within a community at that time. Ten years later, it is an entirely different emotion to be among friends and feel at home within our synagogue, and I am grateful for that.

My anxieties about 9/11 have also evolved and caught up to the present day. Last night I barely slept, filled with nightmares about similar events happening now, in my office tower, with my family and friends affected. They are paralyzing thoughts, even when I consider how remote the odds are. And so I read the stories, and think about all those affected, and pray for all those who are suffering today and every day because of this senseless tragedy.

Summer's End

I can't believe it's August 31st. This summer has gone by all too quickly. Here are some updates from the last few weeks.

- Hannah and Max finished up the last few weeks of camp, and both of them had a great time this summer. Hannah portrayed a royal window washer in "The Queen Who Always Wanted to Dance" for her Arts Nite. She got to dramatically scream and fall down on stage, which I think she really enjoyed. Her group also danced to ABBA's "Dancing Queen" and both kids had their own dance party to the same song at home the following night. Thankfully, Max was very well behaved for Arts Nite too. I was very worried about the summer for him, as last summer at school didn't go very well. Despite being away from many of his friends in a new class, he seemed to really fall right into the new group and enjoyed all of the special activities at camp, such as a magician and petting zoos.
- Swimming has also been a big deal for the kids this summer. Hannah passed both the 4' and 9' swim tests, and proudly wore her bracelets all summer, even when she was nowhere near the pool. Max can now do "pizza arms" ("cut it, spread it, eat it!") and has complete confidence in the pool, even though he still doesn't really know how to keep himself afloat. I had a great time taking them to the outdoor pool last week, and Hannah had a fun play date there with her camp friend Olivia.
- We also had a fun play date with Hannah's oldest friend, Anais, and her little brother Max and mom Rana. Every time we get together it's like a triple play date, since we all get to enjoy being with someone. The girls have been friends since they were two and started at Gan Yeladim, and while we don't see them often enough, it's always great when we do get together.
- Somehow, I've had the opportunity to take care of myself more than usual in these last few weeks. First I got a much needed haircut, and it's a lot shorter than I usually go. I've been getting lots of compliments on it, but I'm pretty anxious for it to grow out a bit. I used a LivingSocial coupon for a mani/pedi, and tried out a Jelly Pedi. I'm not sure if it made a big difference on my feet, but it was definitely interesting. I also went for a massage, but while I was there I canceled my membership. I have been finding less and less time to go there, and I'm not sure it's worth the money right now.
- We were incredibly fortunate to be spared any major damage during Hurricane Irene, which had been downgraded to a tropical storm by the time it got to us. We never lost power, and only suffered from being stir crazy. I, for one, am perfectly fine with the level of hype the media allowed before the storm, and when I see the devastation it wrought on others (like the mama bird diaries, who I've been reading for years), it shows just what a difference it can make to have taken those precautions.
- Despite a hurricane-delayed start, the kids have been at "Camp Grandma" in Connecticut since Monday, and are coming home tonight. Marc and I have gone out to dinner twice (the Met Bar and Grill and Fiorella's) and saw a movie, and even accompanied each other on walks to the village. The break has been good for all of us, but I am very ready to hug and kiss the kids tonight.

There's just a few days left until school starts up again on Tuesday. Max will be in the same classroom, so hopefully there won't be much change for him, though he'll miss having Hannah at the JCC with him. Hannah starts second grade in a new co-taught classroom, with many of her good friends in the class with her. She's also particularly excited because this classroom is the only one in the building with air conditioning! We will go visit the class tomorrow. We have plans to go to a couple museums this weekend, and Marc is taking me to a Matisyahu concert on Saturday night. I think I'll also be seeing two other movies out with friends, so three movies in one week will probably fill my quota for the year!

I hope you've all been enjoying these final not-so-lazy days of summer!

An Update From The Back

Faithful readers might remember that last spring I decided it was finally time to get myself together and start exercising. I wrote that post on May 8, a couple of months after I began seeing a personal trainer and in the middle of a few hectic weekends. By May 14, The Back was out again.

So after getting The Back as close to normal again and going out to California, in the last few weeks I've begun seeing a physical therapist to help prevent another painful episode. So far, it's been challenging. The exercises themselves don't seem that bad, and yet they end up bothering me. I am trying to strengthen my back so that I can get back to regular exercise without harming myself, but it's also a mental challenge. Twisting is not my friend - it was a bad twist that set off my left side and resulted in two months of not being able to walk. I have a hard time not flashing back to that moment, as it is seared in my memory, and the nerves in my legs and feet remember it well too. So when my therapist added some twists to my routine in the last week, I've really been feeling it. These thirty minutes of exercise are completely exhausting too. I'm not getting that energized feeling from exercising; I'm getting the "oh my goodness I need to go to bed early" feeling.

I have no idea if it's helping yet, but I will stick with it and hopefully see some results. I don't want to spend the rest of my life accommodating The Back in every way - looking for chairs with arms, keeping one hand on the counter as I load the dishwasher, trying to avoid carrying anything at all. It's so draining to be constantly aware of how I could hurt myself, and so I hope at some point I can re-train my brain not to expect pain, but instead to swiftly do the activity as I would have before all this started.

Debbie Gibson and Tiffany: Journey Through the '80's!

Last weekend I got to live out a childhood dream - I saw Tiffany and Debbie Gibson in concert.

Now, lest you think I was a deprived child, I was anything but. I saw Madonna in third grade. The Jets, Paula Abdul, Kenny Loggins, Richard Marx, Dan Fogelberg, Styx, the Beach Boys, Chicago, America, and probably a few others I can't remember at the moment, plus lots of Broadway shows once I got into those. But somehow, I never made it to the mall when Tiffany was in town. I've watched both of their careers from the sidelines over the years, and now they're capitalizing on a wave of '80's nostalgia and touring together.

Helping me to keep up with my zest for all things pop culture is New York Magazine's Vulture feature. They posted this video of the duo appearing on The View, and I went on to post it on facebook (I have to resist the impulse to post a great deal of material I find on Vulture - you really should check it out.) I couldn't find any tour dates at first, but within six minutes my college friend Michael said that they were performing at the North Shore Music Theater in just a few days! His friend had won tickets at drag queen bingo (of course) and he was going to the show.

I'm not an impulse person. Yet the tables turned quickly, and within 24 hours I'd convinced Marc to come with me and found a sitter for the kids. It was all meant to be.

The show was fantastic. I'd never been to the venue before, and was surprised to find out that it was theater-in-the-round, and we had seats in the fifth row. People were dressed in '80's garb, neon and puffy paint, some wearing shirts from the original concert tours. Tiffany and Debbie Gibson first got on stage together, and sang a couple of hits from the '80's, including Toni Basil's "Mickey." Then Tiffany got the stage to herself for a while, and this is when their true personalities began to emerge. Tiffany attempted a Stevie Nicks song, and well, it sounded really bad. But she seemed to know it, and after the first few lines, called out for something to be adjusted and she started again. And she sounded great. She sang "I Think We're Alone Now" and "Could've Been," which had the man in the audience next to me in tears. When a wardrobe change took longer than expected, she explained that she couldn't get her boot on back stage. Everything about her performance felt very authentic, and even enjoyed some of her new country material. I longed to be up there with her as a back-up singer. :)

After intermission it was Debbie Gibson's turn, and the woman is a performer. She had two back-up dancers, several costume changes, and kept up a witty repartee the entire time she was on stage. She sang "Shake Your Love" and "Only In My Dreams" (now an Old Navy commercial) and talked about being a star at such a young age. She did several Broadway numbers from her days in various shows, but my favorite portion of the night was when she pulled out several pages of sheet music and off the cuff played piano and sang along to several classic songs from the '80's, including Belinda Carlisle's "I Get Weak." She talked about texting Richard Marx for his approval to sing one of his songs, and how he promised to feature "Electric Youth" at a future performance. Tiffany joined Debbie back on stage for a few more songs, and they walked the perimeter of the stage, shaking hands with about half of the audience. There were more flubbed lyrics and banter between them, and I loved all of it. They ended with "Don't Stop Believin'" which has to be included in every '80's-themed performance from now until the end of time.

I left with the biggest smile on my face. As we drove home, Marc and I debated who was a better performer and discussed the entire show. Never in the almost 12 years that we've been together did I expect to be discussing Tiffany and Debbie Gibson with him, and I appreciate him being such a good sport and coming with me (but he had a great time, too).

Here are a few pictures from the show - it was HARD to get decent shots. I'm so glad I got to see them! Thanks to Vulture and drag queen bingo for helping to make this happen for me!