The Things I'm Not: A Pre- #BlogHer13 Freak Out

This past weekend, the kids were both away. Hannah is off at overnight camp, and Max spent a long weekend with my in laws. After a hectic end to June, all good things but tiring, I was very overdue for a break, and thus thankful to get it. When I was anticipating it, thinking ahead of what I'd do with all that extra time, I figured I'd definitely be blogging. But when that free day came around, well, I couldn't get myself off the couch.

I spent about six hours catching up on various Bravo shows, including the documentary "Queen of Versailles" that I recorded months ago. It looks like an extended version of a Real Housewives episode, but was really about the sub-prime crisis and totally fascinating. You should look it up. But anyway, it wasn't the most efficient use of my time, but I just didn't want to blog.

I've been thinking a lot about why I'm here - blogging - these last few weeks. Yes, we are back to that tired old topic, but where else will I discuss it? The more involved I get, the more blogs I read, the harder it becomes to not be envious of other bloggers' success. Not that everyone deserves recognition, and not that those who receive that recognition don't deserve it, but it does feel like there's not enough to go around sometimes. There are so many voices that need to be heard, voices that are telling tales of, well, everything I'm not. Tales of drunkenness and sobriety; abuse and wonderment; health and illness; infertility and multiple births; special needs parenting and single parenting; poverty and luxury; exercise fanatics and overweight acceptance; stylishness and technological savvy; crafters and foodies; meditation and impulsiveness; swearing and over-sharing; religion and politics. Then we all shout through our megaphones of choice, walking the line between excess promotion and praying someone will read it.

And then there's me. I don't neatly fit into any of those categories, and it makes it hard to find my tribe, both of other bloggers and of readers. While I love writing about "having it all," it gets a bit exhausting to frame everything that way. There are days when I'm definitely "having less" and can't read another article about sharing the housework or flexible schedules. So I have to admit there are times that I feel like my voice is really unnecessary. In the past I'd have taken a month or so off, taken time to regroup. Instead, I'm leaving for the grand dame of blogging conferences in 23 days.

I've ordered new business cards, and Marc will be helping me make some upgrades to the site and Facebook page before I go. I've been planning outfits in my head, putting more thought into my clothing than I probably ever have before. And going back to last year's post, I've been thinking a lot about the working with brands portion of this event and how I'll be spending my time while I'm there. 

So to other bloggers, this may be a cliche of a pre-BlogHer freak out post, but I have a feeling I'm not the only one feeling a bit alone and aimless heading into this event. If you're feeling that way too, I hope you'll reach out and find me while we're there. Maybe those of us who don't fit into neat little categories can find a tribe too.

The Having It All Project: Monina Wagner

I reconnected to Monina, a classmate of mine at good old Solon High School, through the magic that is Twitter. Monina was a year ahead of me at SHS, and I can't remember what class we shared, but I do remember her bubbly and effervescent personality, which comes through in both her professional writing career and on her blog. Here's how Monina is having it all.

 

Briefly describe your life and what you think makes it unique.  

I'm a single mom living in my hometown of Cleveland, Ohio. As ordinary as it may seem on the surface, my life is anything but. I have a sassy 10-year-old daughter who has gone through more heartache than any child should have ever had to endure. We recently rescued a senior Jack Russell terrier even though some days I'll skip dinner to make sure we have enough money to get us to my next paycheck. I have as close to my dream job as I can get right now - just in the wrong city. And I've done well for myself professionally but life sometimes deals you lemons so your wallet gets drenched with lemonade. Everyone leads a unique life. 

What are some of your favorite tips and strategies for coping with the chaos? 

On my wedding day, one of our groomsmen gave me a piece of advice that has stuck with me to this day. And surprisingly, it's a philosophy I take with me to this day. One of the most common pieces of advice is to have a great relationship, you must compromise, compromise, compromise. But my groomsman told me this: Marriage is not 50/50. It's not about compromise, but about bringing your all to the table daily. It's 100/100. 

Shouldn't all aspects of our lives be that way? Only we can control our own actions, our own destinies. You shouldn't cave, but make thoughtful decisions.

Please share a moment where it all broke down, and how you got through it. 

At some point in my marriage, I realized the algebra equation was off. We were closer to 50/50. I was losing a part of myself. Dreams went unfulfilled. Life was unhappy. We tried counseling. Years went by, and eventually we separated. Having the burden of my daughter's well being on my shoulders, reconciling my feelings and determining my financial future overwhelmed me. I tried to internalize it. I became intimate with Jack (Daniels) and Jose (Cuervo). But what brought me through this and other trying times were my friends. There are still days when I'm stressed out and think I should face it alone, but my friends are there to remind me not to be stubborn.

Do you have any balance role models? Anything you try to avoid because it wouldn't work for you? 

I went from college to career to motherhood to whatever stage I'm in now. I'm forging my own direction and beginning to learn who I am again. Once I identify who I am, I can stop trying to be someone else or looking to another as a role model. We all lead such different lives. And no one leads a balanced life. If they say they do, I'm convinced they are lying. Live life the way you want.

Think back to your 18th birthday. How is your life different from how you expected it to be then? 

Had I hoped to divorce before age 40? Did I want to build not one but two houses in the suburbs? Did I think a career at an ad agency would be the path I would end up on?

No. Yet ask if teens graduating high school know exactly what the future holds and I will answer honestly. I did.

On my 18th birthday, I guarantee I said I didn't want to be married until I was 40 because I wanted to establish my career. Apartment living is tailor-made for me. Little upkeep, small quarters...love it. I began my journalism career in high school, but I knew my longevity in the field would be dependent on many factors. So I knew there would eventually be a detour. 

I'm living life exactly how I want. I only hope I can predict the future now as well as I did then.

Relate to what Monina is saying? Leave her some love in the comments. Read other posts from The Having It All Project here. Want to participate? Send me an email at havingitallproject@gmail.com!

OMG, It's Today.

I stayed up too late on Thursday night, and struggled to get myself out of bed the following morning. I stumbled through putting in my contacts and brushing my teeth, and after a minute or so in the shower, my mind finally snapped to attention and I nearly yelled out loud, "Oh my G-d, it's today!" Friday, June 21.

I'd mentioned here before that this June feels a bit like a December with all we have going on, and I'd definitely been caught up in the cycle of getting through each day, with almost everyday having something special or different about it. So when it suddenly struck me that it was that particular day on the calendar, the start of Hannah's last weekend at home before overnight camp, with the packing left to finish and many social events for her to attend ahead, well, now I was fully awake. I knew I needed to get through the day and this weekend, bringing my A-game to all she needed to accomplish.

And then I was suddenly transported back in time to another Friday, June 21. This time, it was in 2002, and it was just two days before my wedding. That morning, I was staying at my parent's house, and I came downstairs just in time to hear the announcer of The Today Show begin that morning's broadcast. Hearing the booming voice say "Today is Friday, June 21, 2002," I was struck dumbfounded. For the past thirteen months, Marc and I had planned all of those tiny wedding details, referring to events on Friday the 21st, Saturday the 22nd and the big day, Sunday the 23rd, as these far-off, almost imaginary moments in time. It didn't seem real that it was finally all happening, but the Today Show announcer forced me forward, starting that momentous weekend at 7 am in my mother's kitchen.

Eleven years later, I'm not sure I truly imagined what our life would be like now. Sure, we danced to song lyrics of "come what may" and "the best is yet to come," but what do we really know on those bright, shiny wedding days? We hope and we pray and we dream, but the actual logistics of attending the neighborhood block party and re-packing the just-packed an hour before duffel bag? It was beyond what I could have imagined then, but I feel so fortunate for it to have turned out this way.

Happy 11 years, Marc. I couldn't be this busy with you.

The Having It All Project: Astrid Muhammad

 

Astrid was led here by one of her clients, work at home attorney, mom and Having It All Project participant Danielle Van Ess. I love the idea of creating the job that works for you. Here's how Astrid is having it all.

Briefly describe your life and what you think makes it unique.
I live in Charlotte, NC with my husband and two kids. I’m a transplant from Boston, Massachusetts.  We have a 9 year-old son and our daughter is 5 years old.  I have worked in the legal field for over 10 years. I started out working as a receptionist and worked my up to working as a legal assistant. When my daughter was born in 2008, I dreaded the thought of having to go back into the corporate world after my 6 months at home with her were up.  With all of the experience that I had, my husband suggested that I become a virtual assistant. He couldn’t see why I couldn’t do what I was doing for years in someone’s office, from the comfort of my home. See, that’s why I married my wonderful husband! He has the greatest ideas! We have been married for almost 6 years. My husband is a song writer and has written a children’s album called Kids Pop 2.0. He has a passion for music and is currently pursuing his dream in the music industry.

I’m currently working from home as a Virtual Assistant and in 2011 I became a licensed Zumba instructor. I teach a couple classes on the weekends and at night. I love dancing and exercising so it’s the perfect activity for me. There’s a correlation between my two jobs. I feel a real sense of gratification knowing that I’m helping to make my client’s work life smoother by ensuring that they are on task with their work and helping my students with their weight loss and health goals.

What are some of your favorite tips and strategies for coping with the chaos?
My tips for handling chaos are:
Prayer – when things are getting really crazy, I need to have someone that I can call on to get me through the crazy and bring me back to that peaceful place, which in turn helps me to put things back into perspective.

Exercise – I exercise daily. Whether it’s training for my ½ marathon next year, teaching a Zumba class, taking yoga or taking a strength training class, I make sure that I do some sort of exercise. I’ve always enjoyed exercising and it’s a great stress reliever for me. After I exercise I feel refreshed and I like knowing that I did something really fantastic for my insides!
Team work – kids have messy tendencies and it gets really laborious having to constantly pick up after them. I’m not Superwoman (although sometimes I wish I were) and I can’t do it alone.  My children both have their assigned chores. My husband is always there to help with whatever it is I need at the moment. When I’m having a really hectic day, he has no problem taking over and helping Jaden with his homework and helping Amayyah with her home school lessons.  My husband does the laundry, makes sure that the kids are fed and that the house is in order. We have to work as a team. Point-blank-period!
Organization – there are times when I have to do things in half-hour or hourly increments. It helps me to focus on that one thing, ensure I get it done, and move on the next. 

Please share a moment where it all broke down, and how you got through it.
I can’t recall the exact day, but it happened this year.  I was trying to complete something that I was working on so that by the time my son got home from school, he could have my undivided attention without having to talk to me while I was still at my computer. Well, that didn’t work out so well on this particular day. When he came home, I wasn’t finished with what I had been working on. It really doesn’t matter if my husband is home or not. Jaden just wants to be able to come home after his long day of school and chat with me (as he should). I had more to do than I realized and I told him that I’d be finished before long. He kept coming into in my office after I asked him numerous times to just give me a couple more minutes because I needed to finish up work.  I yelled at him! I mean adult temper tantrum yelling! “Jaden didn’t you hear what I said?!” “Please leave me alone!” I felt rotten. After I slapped myself back into reality, I went into his room and apologized to him and told him the truth. The truth was that it was just one of those days for mommy and that sometimes I get frustrated and overwhelmed with work and that it’s never, ever his fault and that I didn’t mean to take it out on him.  He accepted my apology.

Do you have any balance role models? Anything you try to avoid because it wouldn't work for you?
I have many great balance role models. My parents, my husband, my family & friends have all shared different practices that work for them. I take notes and apply some of things to different areas in my life. However, I’ve learned that I have to figure out what works best for me and my situation. I learn from what didn’t work.

The one thing that I must avoid – NOT GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP! Everyone who knows me knows that unless I’m taking care of a newborn or a baby, I need to get at least 7 hours of sleep nightly. I love to sleep. I love giving my body a break from “me.” It is so beneficial.

Think back to your 18th birthday. How is your life different from how you expected it to be then?  
I think my life has gone according to plan. I never really had this big vision of what my life would look like today. My thinking was pretty simple. I knew that I wanted to be married to a wonderful guy, have children (at that time it was 6 because I loved the Brady Bunch and thought it’d be so “cool” to have 3 boys and 3 girls, and just enjoy life. It’s the simple things in life that bring me the most joy. To me, “having it all” is knowing that my family is healthy, we are spiritually grounded and that we are surrounded by love.

Relate to what Astrid is saying? Leave her some love in the comments. Read other posts from The Having It All Project here. Want to participate? Send me an email at havingitallproject@gmail.com!

More on "Lean In" - Questions of Age, Asking and Authority

On Tuesday night I went to see my friend Nanette speak on a panel at the Waban Library about, you guessed it, "Lean In." Yes, it's the book that keeps on giving, whether we like it or not (and just as a reminder, I did not like it). But there's just so much to it, that each time I discuss it, I find more to think about. So here are three more topics I want to keep exploring.

1. The target age for who should be "leaning in." The audience skewed a bit older for both this panel discussion and at Sandberg's appearance that I attended a few months ago. I think Sandberg was hoping to address a younger crowd, perhaps in their 20's, in her book, especially regarding her "don't leave before you leave" message directed at women who slow down their careers even before they have children. I wonder how much women in that younger decade are paying attention to all this. Does it even seem relevant? I'm not sure I would have thought it was as relevant to me back then. Are we seeing these issues once it's too late to address them?

2. The need to keep asking for what you want. In chatting with other attendees at the end of the panel discussion, I mentioned that I work from home one day a week. Someone said she'd asked to do that as well, and her company said no. But my company also said no when I first asked, and while it took years to get a yes, I'm really glad that I didn't stop asking. And as Marc said when I discussed this with him, maybe there's another company out there that will say yes, and a change is necessary.

3. The sweet spot of authority and responsibility. One of the panelists related that she'd once been told that workplace success is related to having the right combination of responsibility within the job and authority for getting the job done well. Finding the balance of these two things is a struggle I've been grappling with, without being able to boil it down to such simple terms. I definitely feel I have enough responsibility in my current role, but lack the authority I should have to really do the job well. I think this will be a useful framework for discussing upcoming changes in my role at work.

So, lots more to keep thinking about. Have you read the book? Are there any new questions you've had since then?

We Made It

It seems like only moments ago when I let the countdown begin - the last year of daycare.

Today's the last day.

All month, we've been counting down with Max. The last soccer class. The last swim lesson. The last Shabbat. And there was the "moving up" ceremony.

(Side note: I really dislike the controversy over the word "graduation" and how its meaning has been deluded by calling everything a "graduation," so we make up other things to call it, and end up sounding more ridiculous than we did when we say "graduation," but alas.)

Anyway, I cried. I was expecting the slideshow, produced by Udi Edni of Pix-R-Me, who has been the informal photographer at the JCC through all four years Max was there, but I wasn't expecting the photos to go back to 2009 and feature so many shots of my platinum-haired toddler. Or for it to be set to the Israel Kamakawiwoʻole version of "What a Wonderful World," the song that Hannah also sang at her "graduation" four years ago and that gets me going anyway...oy, it was all too much and I was blubbering away in the darkness. But I managed to pull it together by the end, having watched Max age four years right before my eyes. For all of my complaints about daycare (and if you know me at all, you know I have a lot of them), I am so incredibly grateful that he has been able to learn and grow in a safe, caring environment. Looking at the photos above, I know it's only the good stuff that I'll be remembering from here on out. 

For the past seven years, the JCC has basically been a daily part of our lives. I'm ready to move on, and so are my children. At least, we'll be taking a few weeks off before they're both back there for a month of camp. I guess we're not really going that far.

Why Not Just Do What Makes You Happy?

As soon as I saw the New York Times article, "Mommy Blog or a Glossy Fashion Magazine?", I knew it was prime for the response article which quickly followed. That response was on Boston.com in the form of "Glamorous Chaos: The Tiring Pursuit of Art-Directed Motherhood." And both articles feed into dueling anxieties that probably most of America has: "OMG, look at that, I'm not good enough" vs. "screw it all, I'm not perfect and not going to compete to be perfect." But those are just the end points on a very long spectrum, and most of life isn't lived in the extremes. Most of us are muddling through somehow, having our good moments and our bad.

If you're reading this, you've probably noticed that I don't have a problem sharing things on the Internet, but I am very conscious of the things that work *for me* in this vast forum. I obviously like the written word, with my most thought-out moments appearing here on the blog, the high- and low- light reel of life appearing on Facebook, and the minutia appearing on Twitter. I post pictures on all three forums, but I'm not on Instagram, as adding a filter doesn't appeal to me. I've played around with Pinterest, but it's too visually stimulating for me, and I keep wanting to just get back to the content. I'm not artistic, and the efforts I've expended on PicMonkey to make a cute graphic here, while seriously easy, and not all that enjoyable for me.

Well, most of the time. Because the other day I made a seriously cute collage of photos I'd been squirreling away to mark the end of Max's daycare experience (it'll be up on the blog tomorrow). I'd seen other collages recently and thought to myself, "gee, that's cute, I could do that." What I didn't think was, "wow, that must have been really difficult - I can't ever be that creative - I'm just going to sit here and feel bad about myself instead." Yes, I'm probably naive, but I believe that no one is posting anything like this - be it about their vacation, their gourmet dinner, their laundry pile - to make someone else feel bad. I don't think they're doing it to brag, either. I think they're doing it because of a need to connect, to make a day a little less lonely, because they're proud of something. I think they're sharing it because it makes them happy. Even if it's something stressful or sad, having shared it makes their life a little better somehow.

So why not give them the benefit of the doubt when you come across a post that's outside of your comfort zone? Instead of finding a way to let it tear your down, look instead to find some inspiration, or a way you can feel happy for the other person. And if it's your own finger hovering over the "upload" or "send" or "pin it" button, why not just do what makes you happy? Because I'm always looking for that next thing to connect over, to make my day a little less lonely, to feel proud and happy for you.

And now, a picture of my laundry pile that I tweeted a couple months ago. You know you wanted it.